An Incomplete Thought

… yet it’s a scratch on the dense surface.

The quality of the nectar consumed no longer even matters. I realize any nectar will do.

It’s the act of consuming the nectar that I want because it’s that which takes me away from myself. The discomfort of looking at myself directly is too much to bear.

Yet I can feel something different. There is a knowing that nothing is going to satisfy, nothing will provide the perpetual escape from self.

At some point I will need to stop  and turn and meet myself head on.

Nothing else will matter once that introduction is made…

Black

Familiar territory. It’s black.

I sit.

There isn’t anything in the world that I can think of doing that will make things feel any better.

Everyone I know would want to help, would want me to tell them what they can do to help. There isn’t anything.

All I want is for someone to take it away. But they can’t.

Why is this my lot?

Empty. Hollow.

People look on with pity. I stand helpless with tears streaming down my face.

It’s not a state of mind I can change at whim.

People want to hug and say, “It’s okay.”

It’s not okay.

I don’t even feel the hug. A hug has no reassurance, no consolation.

There’s a piece deep within that is completely disconnected.

I don’t feel peace.

I want to. But it’s not even a feeling I can will, it’s like it doesn’t even exist within me.

I don’t know where to find it.

Why?

And the fact that no one can help makes me feel more alone.

 

Walking in Faith

I have no choice right now. In spite of all of this, I continue to exist and I continue to walk. But I’m scared.

I didn’t expect the anger and hate. I expected apologies, remorse, a desire to change. But no, I stand here now feeling like the one who has done wrong. Have I?

I struggle to see the justice in what I have done…am I the villain?

He doesn’t know why I left. He feels blindsided.

I try earnestly to put myself in his shoes. I know the trauma of being left suddenly, especially by the one person who was your security. But I was eight when it happened to me. He’s 44. Did he really have no idea?

I’m in panic mode. I don’t feel like we’ll meet at a point of convergence. My security is gone now too but it was my choice this time. I’m scared as hell.

The strange thing is that about a year before we were married (about 11 years ago) we had split up. I was dating someone else and I had an encounter one evening. While out on a date with the other guy a feeling so loud and so clear came over me to return to my (now) husband. In that moment I ached to be with him. I followed that voice and returned, knowing with all my heart that we should be together, that I should be with him. We married about a year later and never looked back.

Until now that is when, six months ago, I had the same loud and clear feeling but this time it said, “Go.” And I did.

I have had no instruction since. The first three or so months after leaving felt so right. The last three months have been hell – and getting worse.

I pray to hear direction again.

I am so blind and do not see…

Cacophony of a Confused Mind – Part 5

WTF Just Happened?

I saw someone literally change before my eyes. A different face. The contortions rippled on and over the body. It was someone different.

I wasn’t afraid. I was interested.

Is this the truth?

There’s truth in there somewhere but I’m more unsure of everything now.

I was shown photographs. I’d never seen them yet some of them I’d seen before.

Something is amiss here. Or am I overthinking things again?

This person didn’t exist in this world – not my world.

I sat as the observer from a different plane.

I thought he was real but he seemed anything but.

Am I real?

How do I explore the next realm while confined to the roots of this world?

Have I completely lost my fucking mind?

Collapsing to Rebuild?

Ever seen the movie Under the Tuscan Sun with Diane Lane? Remember the scene near the beginning of the movie when, after her divorce is finalized she moves into a small apartment and, once all alone, she just collapses on the floor?

Yup, that’s me. That’s me just about every other day. The change happening in my life right now is so enormous that all I seem to have the energy for is one day – and then I lose my stride, collapse, and start over.

It’s in those moments of collapse though that I need to remain hyper-vigilant. Those are where the seeds of change lie.

I can feel the exhaustion set in. I’m a pusher, a doer. I tend not to allow the feeling of tiredness but I cannot help but surrender to it now. It’s so strong.

Oh, but when those moments come, they are powerful. It’s almost like I can feel the blood thicken and slow. The grip of weariness takes hold and I simply cannot force a faster pace.

But it also takes work to settle into and accept the fatigue.

Late this afternoon, the all-consuming wave of exhaustion washed over me. I wanted to stay late at work tonight but I couldn’t. I left on time, went home, and lay on the couch. I searched for rest for my weary body. It didn’t come. I got up and ate dinner – without energy to make it and feeling like I was starving for “something”, two bowls of cereal was the sup of choice – or more, the sup of necessity. I still felt lost and tired. I made my lunch and did some cleaning. The rest wasn’t coming. Maybe I should do some yoga. No, I needed to get out. So I put on a somewhat presentable ensemble of shorts and sweatshirt and headed out for a walk. It helps. The white noise of the world usually is enough to find distance from my whirling mind and observe the thoughts without too much judgement. The start of the walk though was not a joy ride. They never are. That’s when all the thoughts and questions arise. And when I have no answers to any of them, I simply keep asking, “Why?” Over, and over, and over again. Why? Why? Why? Why? And, I also continue to ask the question that Atreya Thomas, blog author of Revealing the Absolute, invites us to ask, “Who am I in spite of this thought?”

Of course, no answers ever come. Nothing concrete anyway. But often more important questions arise which help to pull me out of the self-focused, downward spiral. Tonight, the question to the other questions, “If others are hurting than why does my need matter?” And it doesn’t really.

I can’t negate my feelings. My unmet needs and hurt feelings are real and raw – and they hurt. But they become less important when I become more aware of whatever is outside myself. The purpose of my life, I’m not sure what it is, but I do know that when I am focused on self-fulfillment – jobs, wealth, hobbies, notoriety, you name it – I lack peace.

There are so many things I am changing in my life right now – relationships, diet, physical body, spiritual body – and change is happening but it’s slow. And it’s exhausting. And when it’s slow and exhausting I start to question all the things I’m doing. Why am I doing this? What’s the point? I’m lonelier now – why put myself through all this shit? If I go back, will it be enough?

And lo and behold – there it is. If I go back, it won’t be enough. I can’t ignore the disgrace of an ignorant life, my ignorant life.

So, I continue to embrace the exhaustion and slow collapse of my old life with a (now) renewed focus. Eventually the demolition will slow and new earth will start to see the light and I can start to bloom in truth. Slowly. Slowly it will come.

Right now, the connection feels haphazard and awkward but with diligent effort higher energy will be the norm. Not the constant, not ever. But more oft than not.

Patience.