The One and Only

How easily a feeling or sight caught wind of in this world can blow you down a path of dismay.

How often we accept the distress and then resist it.

Yet, there is only One power and you cannot serve two masters.

If God is Love and the omnipotent force of life, if I am out of sorts and not feeling good, who then must I be serving?

There’s no condemnation to this realization. To be aware of not feeling good is simply a loving call to return to God.

God is everywhere, in everything, at all times.

Like a sponge in a basin of water: the sponge is in the water and the water is absorbed in the sponge. I am a sponge. God is the water. At all times, I am in God and God is in me.

That is reassurance.

Be still and know that I am God.

 

Real Estate

Often in our search for God we turn our backs on darkness believing God is only found in light.

We relegate ourselves to one tiny room in the house where the light is already on and we let ourselves believe that one small section of the house will suffice.

But God isn’t found in light, He is light.

If the light is on in one room, the power to light the whole house is surely there.

Be not afraid. Walk the halls, find the dark rooms, and turn on the lights.

Take back your house, your true inheritance.

Do You Know What You’re Asking?

I sit in quiet contemplation and ask:

What causes us to block the light? Why, or how, did we forget? How do we remember?

It suddenly seems circular. If I knew the cause could I remove it to undo the effect?

What I seem to be saying is that I’m the cause of darkness and what I’m asking is how to remove myself. I have made myself both cause and effect and have become both the attacker and attacked.

Where is the beginning of darkness if everything came from light?

It can’t be answered. There is no darkness.

Closing my eyes in the light doesn’t mean the light is gone.

I Am Good

I am not who I think I am. Who am I then?

The profundity of this question is astounding and bewildering.

I’ve been contemplating this question for a year now, over and over and over. I read the words but I haven’t been able to feel the comprehension of what it means to not be who I thought I was.

Yet, I now know what I am not. I still don’t fully know who I am though. I’m told I am Love but I’m not sure my mind can reconcile what that truly means.

Almost two weeks ago I was sitting in my psychologists office sobbing in inexplicable and inexpressible pain. We were nearing the end of our session and she asked that even though I couldn’t do anything about my depression right at that moment in time, could I just let it be that and just deal with the things that needed to be done, despite any of the turbulent emotions I was dealing with? As she asked me this, she made a hand gesture implying the separation of ‘this’ person that feels and ‘that’ person that does. The feeling person would sit over ‘there’ and just be and the doing person would just do what needed to be done to get through one minute of each day.

In that instant of her hand gesture, I understood.

She continued speaking and I retreated into the background to process. I was still hearing her but I had stepped back. I just sat there, chest heaving, tears streaming, knowing that our session would be over in a couple of minutes and there would be no miraculous solution. She would continue her day and see other clients and I would need to leave, still in pain. The pain and torment would still be there…but so would ‘I’ and I just knew (and know) the pain and torment are separate. They are not who I am. I am not my body and I am not my mind and I am not my thoughts or feelings or emotions.

Fast forward about a week.

I just spent this past long weekend in ever-increasing turbulent emotion, committing egregious acts of self-abuse all the while mulling over and meditating on the notion that, again, I am neither my body nor my mind, and praying for revelation and understanding and for the peace of God to flood my being.

At this moment in time I’m certainly not a buoyant orb of angelic light that has transcended any sort of human dimension but I began reading Wayne Dyer’s book, There’s a Spiritual Solution to Every Problem, and I did get a sort of revelation.

I’ve been living separated from God.

Wayne states in his book, “Actions and thoughts, which you might call evil, are the result of the error that is made when you believe you are separate from God…Evil exists first as a thought of non-good or non-God…”

It makes me think of Adam and Eve and how they ate from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. Their eyes were opened to the idea of good and bad and hence, once they focused on two powers, they lost sight of the One and Only Power and thus became separated. Separated only by the inaccurate thoughts of man.

Wayne goes on to say that, “All else that is not good is your mind at work creating the illusions of problems.”

I’m starting to see how my thoughts and judgments keep me trapped in a perpetual and exhausting loop of success and failure.

But truly, I am neither the success nor the failure. I am only the Source of Love that is in me.

It’s the greatest commandment, Love. But what Wayne said next in his book really helped me understand this. He said that God is not an Overcoming Power.

What? When I first read that I was like, “Hey, if that’s the case then I am SCREWED!”

Wayne explains, though, by saying, “There is only one power and that is the power of God or spirit…the power of God is not an overcoming power..since it is the only power there is. There is no secondary power for it to subdue….When you embrace this idea of one power, all other forms of power whether material or mental dissolve.”

These words are resonating with me.

I’ve not binged and purged in two whole days.

Yet when the urges rage I remind myself that if I continue to think of myself as non-good (non-God) then I will always keep myself separate from God.

God is omnipresent and as Wayne reminds, “Nothing of an evil nature has ever touched God.”

I am a temple of God. I am good.

The Hospitable Host of Fear

May 21, 2015 was the day it all started. That was the day my husband and I separated.

I sit this morning in contemplation and deep reverence for the year that has been.

I’ve been falling deeply and have hit an all time low. I am in the depths of a major depression like none other I have seen before and I have relapsed into the eating disorder.

I am grateful.

I initiated the separation due to my husband’s alcoholism and requested that he seek treatment. I would not return unless he sought treatment.

He has not sought treatment and he continues to drink.

Had he done as I’d asked I’m not sure I would have been forced to look so deeply at myself. I now wonder if this really had anything to do with him at all but more to do with me and my refusal to meet myself.

If my unhappiness was because of him then surely I would be in contented bliss as I live alone without him.

The truth is, the deep unhappiness is still in me.

His alcoholism was easy to blame as the source of my unhappiness because I was relying on him to fill my empty cup. Without him though, my cup is still empty.

So now who do I blame?

There is only one way to turn and that is inward.

I am not who I thought I was and without that, who am I?

I am terrified.

I often don’t want to look and feel great discomfort when I am alone.

The eating disorder is welcomed as the distractor of my mind. It prevents the great meeting from taking place. I can continue to identify, albeit falsely, with what I know from experience.

The truth is, I am none of it and all of it, all at once.

It’s not my cardinal sin, it’s a sign.

As Hebrews 13:2 states, “Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it.”

As the great poet, Rumi, has suggested also in his wise poem The Guest House, my fear and depression are unexpected visitors who have been sent as a guide from beyond.

I am slowly, oh so slowly, starting to accept it all, neither as good or bad, but all from God.

There is no one to blame. Not even my husband.