A Different Question

Ask not for healing but for right perception.

That seems quite logical. Ask not for change of a shitty situation but only right perception of it. The more I seem to look at my “problems”, I can’t seem to find an alternative situation that would make it “better.” Only different problems surface.

I think of my eating disordered mind that is still harboring old thought patterns. No change in food consumption, hair style, exercise regime, etc. will solve any of these things if my perception of myself continues to be skewed.

I’m not sure where right perception comes from though. Does it just dawn on me? I can’t go searching for it anymore because every perceived answer I come up with seems to be wrong.

Simply ask and wait?

Ask and It is Given. Period.

I invite the Holy Spirit to be my guest today. No other.

I can expect the arrival of whom I invite and so, with great pleasure, I have prepared the head of the table for your arrival.

I know I have invited you before – and you’ve always come – but I didn’t recognize you. I denied you entrance.

Today I accept your presence in whatever dress you come in.

Truly, “If anyone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen.”

Today my brother has come, this I know. Without a doubt he always does. And there you are as well. It can’t be otherwise.

I invited you and you’ve promised your attendance.

Thank you for coming.

 

God Likes to Travel

It was always so hard to get out of bed in the morning. Until today.

I realized I need not relinquish God to the warmth and safety of my bed – to leave Him there and then spend my day longing to return to Him. How horrid a day it is without God – the long and lonely hours.

No more. God travels easily with me, forever in my mind and mine in His. I just have to remember to bring Him with me, to let Him come along.

It’s Not Your Job

If I believed myself as whole what need would I have to seek completion outside myself?

The infamous Jerry Maguire line, “You complete me.”, that had women melting with lust for Tom Cruise, is fraught with error and unavoidable failure.

Once you fail to complete me, and you will fail, your usefulness to me will be gone. I will be angry that you failed me and you will suffer the wrath of guilt.

You will have failed to fulfill a role that was never yours to complete.

That’s not Love.

I want nothing more than to recognize my wholeness and release you from your guilt.

I believed myself as incomplete and in so doing made you see that in yourself.

In my wholeness you simply cannot fail since you cannot make complete what was never incomplete.

The Next Step

So, I moved back in with my husband.

Some things have changed but there certainly haven’t been the dramatic changes that I first swore had to be made before I would even consider stepping foot back in the house.

But, there has been some change. Enough change that I’m willing to trust the process and see where things go. That’s what my heart told me to do. Move home.

I’ve only been home a week though and it hasn’t exactly been a walk in the park.

I still harbor anger and frustration and resentment and I wonder how to handle it. It’s a testament of faith to forgive and look beyond without feeling like I’m sacrificing myself. After all, I don’t believe true love is found in martyrdom either.

I find it an easier thing to overlook and look beyond and forgive others. I take very little personally and try to find the source of love in everyone.

It’s harder to do when I look at my husband. There exists this feeling of heavy expectation in marriage. “You are my wife and this is what you need to do for me.”

I don’t get marriage anymore – it feels like ownership – at least, at times, this one does.

I do believe though that a freedom in marriage, even this one, is possible but only when the expectation of fulfillment from the other is gone.

Operating from the Love of God as your only source of fulfillment relinquishes the unattainable worldly duty of the other.

There’s a difference between Love and Duty. Love springs forth automatically from the Source. Duty is obligation to rules, the absence of Love.

Each day I search my heart and hold not the past but only the present and in the only way possible, He will direct my path.

 

What’s Your Flavor?

My husband’s favorite ice cream is vanilla.

As luck would have it, that’s the very flavor that I have. I willingly serve it and it makes me happy to give it away. It brings me joy to see my husband experience such pleasure.

It’s no wonder he thinks there is nothing wrong with our marriage. He’s got a belly full of creamy vanilla ice cream.

On the flip side, my favorite is strawberry. The problem is that my husband only has chocolate and not only is that the only flavor he stocks, he is unwilling to stock anything else. It doesn’t matter that I want strawberry; he either can’t, or won’t, stock it. Either way, I’m left craving strawberry ice cream.

Don’t get me wrong, he serves a beautiful chocolate ice cream and sometimes it really hits the spot and I am satisfied. But, at the core of my being, I crave strawberry ice cream. The desire always returns and often with a fierce intensity.

I am sad.

It seems a little more understandable that he feels bad. He continues to offer the best he’s got but I keep asking for something different.

I’m starting to get a sense that in continuing to ask for something that someone can’t provide, I’m hurting us both.

He can never please me. And I can never be fully pleased.

I wish I could be happy with chocolate ice cream. I really do. I wish I didn’t want something different. But, the truth is I do and I can no longer ignore it.

I can no longer ignore the true essence that flows through me.

It’s neither right nor wrong. It just is.

Continuously returning to the chocolate ice cream vendor is never going to net me strawberry ice cream. This I now know.