Omni

Omni means “of all things, in all ways, in all places. This is what God is – the All-Powerful, Always Present, Universal Absolute.

If this is so, as I believe and, dare I say, KNOW it to be, then there is not one single part of me that I will not endeavor to love.

I am choosing love, every day in every way.

…and remarkable, miraculous things are happening…

What Do I Want More Of?

I have this longing, this yearning, for a deep, passionate, connection. Yes, with God, always. But something in me knows this will be realized in human form.

Yet, I dare say I must first give what I want because in so doing, I will know I already have.

All the ways in which I want love are showing up in ways that I am judging. No, not this one. Nope, not this one either. No thanks.

But here it is. I keep asking and receiving yet won’t accept.

This is where I know I cannot withhold from anyone that which I want. Yet, to some I do not want to give – to fore-give. And this is where death to self will happen.

“If someone slaps you on the right cheek, offer the other cheek also.”

Oh boy…

The One and Only

How easily a feeling or sight caught wind of in this world can blow you down a path of dismay.

How often we accept the distress and then resist it.

Yet, there is only One power and you cannot serve two masters.

If God is Love and the omnipotent force of life, if I am out of sorts and not feeling good, who then must I be serving?

There’s no condemnation to this realization. To be aware of not feeling good is simply a loving call to return to God.

God is everywhere, in everything, at all times.

Like a sponge in a basin of water: the sponge is in the water and the water is absorbed in the sponge. I am a sponge. God is the water. At all times, I am in God and God is in me.

That is reassurance.

Be still and know that I am God.

 

Releasing Has No End

Interestingly, being willing to release the need for certain things does not mean they are automatically released. Quite the contrary, actually. It only means that when these things surface, I must reassert my willingness to let them go.

I have become a willing participant recently in giving up the need for many of my old, ingrained behaviors and thought patterns. I initially thought that by releasing these things I was emptying the basket, hitting the delete button, removing the discomforts from my life forever. That didn’t happen.

Instead, I was bombarded by the very things I thought I’d released. I was headed for another meltdown when it suddenly dawned on me that the act of releasing isn’t a one-shot pony. Nope, it’s a continuous act of letting go.

I feel angry at my husband. The anger hasn’t disappeared but every time it surfaces, I am willing to let it go.

I get angry at my body for being so hungry. The hunger keeps coming but I keep letting it go. I eat instead. I am willing to release the need to punish myself and feel unworthy.

It’s been six weeks of constant repetition and letting go. Here it is and I let go. Here that is and I let go. Again and again and again and again and again. I am willing to release whatever it is that arises within me that makes me uncomfortable. And I’m willing to do it forever.

Surprisingly, I can vaguely feel this space opening inside me and allowing for the new to spring forth. The new scares me – tremendously. But I’ve arrived at the place where the old, the past, it scares me more.

Only by letting go of the past will I ever experience the new, the now. It’s here.

Traversing Middle Ground

I haven’t binged and purged for several months but the strong desire has returned.

Why do I want to? Because my body is so uncomfortable. I want to escape the body, though I can’t ever really. What I want is to escape the thought of my body because it is so painful. I suppose I want to escape the mind that despises the pain. The mind says the pain is intolerable. And so, if I binge I can shut the mind off and escape the pain. If I didn’t purge though, the body would be in worse pain so the purging must accompany the binge. But if I didn’t allow the purging I wouldn’t allow the binge but, I would be stuck in this mind, tortured by thoughts of pain without any release in sight. What would happen without release? I’d go crazy by the mind.

So?

Is escapism the only answer? Where is the real pain – is it in the body or the mind? Who conceives of this pain? Who makes it real? Is it even real?

It feels torturous to sit and watch it, feel it – but what is the alternative but to stay trapped in a cycle of behavior for the sake of avoidance? Neither option seems rather appealing to me – to sit in the face of a pain that never seems to go away or to be prisoner of a binge/purge cycle that also never seems to go away.

Is there another way?

Pain, in any form, is undesirable. If I didn’t fear the pain so much would it be so desire-less?

Again, what IS pain? Where did it come from?

All I can do is watch and work to make no decisions either way. The minute I do, I fall to either side. For now, I balance precariously on the fulcrum and weigh nothing.

 

Vibrations from My Heart

Every goal has a very specific vibration that resonates within my heart and it feels very good. The good feeling is what makes it a goal for me.

The goal is recovery. Recovery feels good. Being sick feels bad. Being healthy feels good. Being healthy means feeling vibrant and energetic. Being healthy means I can concentrate on doing things I love. Being healthy means knowing what I love to do. Being healthy means clarity of mind. Being healthy means I am happy and can smile. Being happy means feeling my smile and feeling its beauty. Being healthy means taking care of myself. Being healthy means knowing how to take care of myself. Being healthy means learning. Learning feels good. I like to learn. Being healthy means making meals that I enjoy. Being healthy means trying new things to find what I enjoy. It means loving what I enjoy. When I feel joy in heart I am vibrating at the same frequency of my own heart. When I feel pain, I remember that I love to learn and I learn from my pain because to learn is to be healthy. I love the feeling of health. Being healthy means feeling love in my heart for myself. Being healthy means knowing what makes my heart feel love. And when I am unsure I know I can love my unknowing because it is an opportunity to learn. And I love to learn. Being healthy means knowing I can learn. How fun would the process of learning be if I knew everything already? I love not knowing so I can learn to know. I love that the more I love the healthier I become. I love recovery because it beats the drum of wellness. I beat the drum of health in every way I can. When I succumb to an urge that doesn’t feel good I say, “I love you pain. Tell me where it hurts.” Being healthy means trusting myself and the process. Recovery is my goal and love is its beat. In everything, in every thought, I seek the beat of wellness. Being sad means my heart needs something. Maybe just a hug. Maybe it needs some food. The beat of wellness is care and compassion. And when I don’t fee care and compassion, I don’t hate myself. I send love. Even if I don’t know how to love I say, “I love you anyway.” Being healthy means trusting the seed that is within – the tiny one that planted the goal of recovery. I don’t need to make recovery happen – the goal is already achieved. Just beat the drum of what being healthy means to me. I watched TV for five straight minutes. That takes concentration. I rock! I read one page of a book that interests me. That beat feels so good! I did ten whole jumping jacks for no other reason than to feel the beating of my heart. I love that feeling of energy. See! It is in me! I was tired and so I slept the whole afternoon. I am so grateful for the rest and for honoring myself in such a magnificent way. Being healthy means rest and restoration. Today I looked myself in the eye for just one second. That was so brave! Being healthy means having courage. Look how courageous I am! Today I couldn’t look myself in the eye. I was too afraid. I felt too much shame. Being healthy means allowing myself to feel even fear and shame. That’s courageous too! Being healthy means being aware of myself. Look how aware I am, to see my own fear yet love it anyway. Fear has a powerful message that I can learn from. And I love learning. Being healthy feels so good and every time I dip a toe into the waters of self love, the waters ripple outward getting bigger and bigger as they go. It takes time to acclimatize to the feeling of a new vibration. I love that too, getting to experience the range and change of feeling. Find ways in every circumstance to find love. In perceived sickness and in perceived health, there is a wealth of truth and love and knowledge. Trust in the wisdom and experience of those who already walked a similar path. And remember, every time you fall is an opportunity to learn, to reach out your hand and to discover you are not alone. There is so much strength and collective power in a group of people who want to be well. Beat that drum! And when we all beat that same drum of wellness, the power of it is unstoppable.

Bless our courageous and loving hearts!