Traversing Middle Ground

I haven’t binged and purged for several months but the strong desire has returned.

Why do I want to? Because my body is so uncomfortable. I want to escape the body, though I can’t ever really. What I want is to escape the thought of my body because it is so painful. I suppose I want to escape the mind that despises the pain. The mind says the pain is intolerable. And so, if I binge I can shut the mind off and escape the pain. If I didn’t purge though, the body would be in worse pain so the purging must accompany the binge. But if I didn’t allow the purging I wouldn’t allow the binge but, I would be stuck in this mind, tortured by thoughts of pain without any release in sight. What would happen without release? I’d go crazy by the mind.


Is escapism the only answer? Where is the real pain – is it in the body or the mind? Who conceives of this pain? Who makes it real? Is it even real?

It feels torturous to sit and watch it, feel it – but what is the alternative but to stay trapped in a cycle of behavior for the sake of avoidance? Neither option seems rather appealing to me – to sit in the face of a pain that never seems to go away or to be prisoner of a binge/purge cycle that also never seems to go away.

Is there another way?

Pain, in any form, is undesirable. If I didn’t fear the pain so much would it be so desire-less?

Again, what IS pain? Where did it come from?

All I can do is watch and work to make no decisions either way. The minute I do, I fall to either side. For now, I balance precariously on the fulcrum and weigh nothing.


Log in my Eye

My husband called me today. He never calls me. He didn’t have anything to talk about, he just wanted to say hi.

I asked him how he’s doing. He thinks he’s getting worse.

I asked him what he’s going to do about it. He doesn’t know.

So this is where I want to take this blog post to the topics of co-dependency and “tough love” for addicts; I’ve got a lot to say right now. But for some reason I’m stopped and Matthew 7:3 comes to mind:

Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?

If I continue to write about him and the atrocities of alcoholism, I get to continue playing the blame game and pretending I’m either the victor or the victim, whatever suits my needs.

Ego wins again!

Originally, I wanted to write about how easy it would be to feed his need for love and support because I know very well how to do that, but how necessary it is to stay detached in order to not inadvertently feed the addiction.

It all seemed well-meaning and innocent, it really did. But this voice, this ominous power pointing inward, I can’t not take notice.

What is it in me that is causing this? I’m not entirely sure even still.

The more I look at my original want to theorize and observe and make note of him and the addiction, the more it seems to boil down to judgement. In one way or another all I’m doing is passing judgement.

I think about the Law of Cause and Effect. Every thought, which is the level of cause, has a respective effect which, in turn, becomes the cause of new action which then produces a new effect.

I talk about him, I judge him. In turn I make myself a victim of his actions. This creates fear and new judgments which in turn cause new fears and new judgments, and on and on it goes.

It’s a never ending spiral cascading into all of humanity – unless the level of thought changes.

Who am I in spite of his drinking? Still me. Not much changes.

I can still love. I can forgive. I am sorry for perpetuating the judgement.

Cacophony of a Confused Mind – Part 5

WTF Just Happened?

I saw someone literally change before my eyes. A different face. The contortions rippled on and over the body. It was someone different.

I wasn’t afraid. I was interested.

Is this the truth?

There’s truth in there somewhere but I’m more unsure of everything now.

I was shown photographs. I’d never seen them yet some of them I’d seen before.

Something is amiss here. Or am I overthinking things again?

This person didn’t exist in this world – not my world.

I sat as the observer from a different plane.

I thought he was real but he seemed anything but.

Am I real?

How do I explore the next realm while confined to the roots of this world?

Have I completely lost my fucking mind?

Cacophony of a Confused Mind – Part 2

The Frog

Me – “They’ve never done anything to me. I used to play with them as a kid.”

Other – “I’m sure they didn’t see it that way.”

But no one taught me any differently. I didn’t know. How am I supposed to know what it is I don’t even know I don’t know?

Are the haphazard and strange encounters with others how self-realization manifests itself?

What else have I done wrong?

Cacophony of a Confused Mind – Part 1

The Acorn

The acorn that falls to the forest floor, has it fallen from the tree of life or from self?

Has it died to self and returned to the earth? Or has it fallen from the breath and roots of life to the rotting decay of the world?

What is the tree? What am I?

Am I the tree stemming from the Source and letting go of the seeds of the world that are trying to starve me?