I haven’t binged and purged for several months but the strong desire has returned.
Why do I want to? Because my body is so uncomfortable. I want to escape the body, though I can’t ever really. What I want is to escape the thought of my body because it is so painful. I suppose I want to escape the mind that despises the pain. The mind says the pain is intolerable. And so, if I binge I can shut the mind off and escape the pain. If I didn’t purge though, the body would be in worse pain so the purging must accompany the binge. But if I didn’t allow the purging I wouldn’t allow the binge but, I would be stuck in this mind, tortured by thoughts of pain without any release in sight. What would happen without release? I’d go crazy by the mind.
Is escapism the only answer? Where is the real pain – is it in the body or the mind? Who conceives of this pain? Who makes it real? Is it even real?
It feels torturous to sit and watch it, feel it – but what is the alternative but to stay trapped in a cycle of behavior for the sake of avoidance? Neither option seems rather appealing to me – to sit in the face of a pain that never seems to go away or to be prisoner of a binge/purge cycle that also never seems to go away.
Is there another way?
Pain, in any form, is undesirable. If I didn’t fear the pain so much would it be so desire-less?
Again, what IS pain? Where did it come from?
All I can do is watch and work to make no decisions either way. The minute I do, I fall to either side. For now, I balance precariously on the fulcrum and weigh nothing.