Vibrations from My Heart

Every goal has a very specific vibration that resonates within my heart and it feels very good. The good feeling is what makes it a goal for me.

The goal is recovery. Recovery feels good. Being sick feels bad. Being healthy feels good. Being healthy means feeling vibrant and energetic. Being healthy means I can concentrate on doing things I love. Being healthy means knowing what I love to do. Being healthy means clarity of mind. Being healthy means I am happy and can smile. Being happy means feeling my smile and feeling its beauty. Being healthy means taking care of myself. Being healthy means knowing how to take care of myself. Being healthy means learning. Learning feels good. I like to learn. Being healthy means making meals that I enjoy. Being healthy means trying new things to find what I enjoy. It means loving what I enjoy. When I feel joy in heart I am vibrating at the same frequency of my own heart. When I feel pain, I remember that I love to learn and I learn from my pain because to learn is to be healthy. I love the feeling of health. Being healthy means feeling love in my heart for myself. Being healthy means knowing what makes my heart feel love. And when I am unsure I know I can love my unknowing because it is an opportunity to learn. And I love to learn. Being healthy means knowing I can learn. How fun would the process of learning be if I knew everything already? I love not knowing so I can learn to know. I love that the more I love the healthier I become. I love recovery because it beats the drum of wellness. I beat the drum of health in every way I can. When I succumb to an urge that doesn’t feel good I say, “I love you pain. Tell me where it hurts.” Being healthy means trusting myself and the process. Recovery is my goal and love is its beat. In everything, in every thought, I seek the beat of wellness. Being sad means my heart needs something. Maybe just a hug. Maybe it needs some food. The beat of wellness is care and compassion. And when I don’t fee care and compassion, I don’t hate myself. I send love. Even if I don’t know how to love I say, “I love you anyway.” Being healthy means trusting the seed that is within – the tiny one that planted the goal of recovery. I don’t need to make recovery happen – the goal is already achieved. Just beat the drum of what being healthy means to me. I watched TV for five straight minutes. That takes concentration. I rock! I read one page of a book that interests me. That beat feels so good! I did ten whole jumping jacks for no other reason than to feel the beating of my heart. I love that feeling of energy. See! It is in me! I was tired and so I slept the whole afternoon. I am so grateful for the rest and for honoring myself in such a magnificent way. Being healthy means rest and restoration. Today I looked myself in the eye for just one second. That was so brave! Being healthy means having courage. Look how courageous I am! Today I couldn’t look myself in the eye. I was too afraid. I felt too much shame. Being healthy means allowing myself to feel even fear and shame. That’s courageous too! Being healthy means being aware of myself. Look how aware I am, to see my own fear yet love it anyway. Fear has a powerful message that I can learn from. And I love learning. Being healthy feels so good and every time I dip a toe into the waters of self love, the waters ripple outward getting bigger and bigger as they go. It takes time to acclimatize to the feeling of a new vibration. I love that too, getting to experience the range and change of feeling. Find ways in every circumstance to find love. In perceived sickness and in perceived health, there is a wealth of truth and love and knowledge. Trust in the wisdom and experience of those who already walked a similar path. And remember, every time you fall is an opportunity to learn, to reach out your hand and to discover you are not alone. There is so much strength and collective power in a group of people who want to be well. Beat that drum! And when we all beat that same drum of wellness, the power of it is unstoppable.

Bless our courageous and loving hearts!

To Medicate or Not…

This is not the first post I’ve done regarding my decisions to make use of pharmaceuticals. It seems to be an ongoing ‘dilemma’ for me.

I don’t doubt that many people face similar questioning about whether meds are the right choice. Everyone’s situation is different though and so the question should always be directed inward – Why am I choosing this and what, or who, am I trying to protect? The answer will come in honest seeking.

For me, it appears, that at least for now, the medicating will continue.

Seek and ye shall find:

Perhaps my imperfections are meant to teach me something. I get it.

This dilemma about whether to increase my meds or not – why am I against it? What am I trying to prove? Perhaps it’s a lesson in letting go of preconceived, self-made notions of how things should be, letting go of rules and ideas around purity being obtained through my own actions, that in some way strict adherence to a list of commandments will offer me my salvation.

But how could I have been made with imperfections to begin with if Perfection itself made me? Precisely! The so-called imperfection was made Perfectly and therefore not an imperfection at all.

Ah, at first an epiphany but then more confusion comes. I can accept the depression but how do I live with it? It’s all-consuming, at its worst, and I am lost – not the ‘real’ me, of course, that’s still inside. But it’s been barricaded.

With medication the barricades are no longer concrete walls. Rather they are pesky nets of weeds, no longer impenetrable, but a nuisance nonetheless and a hindrance to joy.

The Joy is there, this I know.

If more medication could obliterate the weeds and offer a direct path to joy, why would I not take it? Because it’s Joy I want, not joy. I want Truth, not oblivion.

Why would I take a piece when I could have the whole? But could a piece of Wholeness be not whole?

Why would you allow yourself to struggle still?

Why would you enter the dark forest in search of light when you stand in it already? Or rather, why would you not step out of the dark forest and expose yourself to the light?

Do you fear the light? You don’t know it, do you? All you know is darkness so you keep yourself enveloped in its safety.

You’re afraid of what you’ll see.

But medication’s not of God.

Who says? Did God not make the mind of man that made the medication?

But depression’s not of God?

Who says? See it not of God and it’s a curse for sure!

Apart from its whole, you know not what it is. The image on the puzzle piece means nothing until it’s put in place. And the whole image can’t be seen without its pieces.

If the wholeness of God is joy, allow yourself to be the piece you were meant to be.

You’re so afraid of joy. You know not what it is.

It’s true.

Medication can’t touch me, truly. But in believing it can I keep myself in body, fearful of its demise.

Let go of your body, little mind, and find solace in My offering to you. My Joy cannot be found in your weak protection of your self. Fear not. Let go of your self and find Me.

I know not what I’ll find in Joy. It’s true – I am afraid.

I continue to see myself as separate, trying to make my piece whole, alone.

Yet a ray of light shines not at all without the sun.

I’m a defiant little ray. I’ve known darkness for so long. I have no idea how bright I could truly be in union with the sun.

Does the type of bridge I cross to freedom truly matter? I think not. All that matters is that I choose to cross it. The paths are all different but the destination is the same.

The instruction is not to devise your own path but to seek His will in all you do and He will direct your path.

I Am Good

I am not who I think I am. Who am I then?

The profundity of this question is astounding and bewildering.

I’ve been contemplating this question for a year now, over and over and over. I read the words but I haven’t been able to feel the comprehension of what it means to not be who I thought I was.

Yet, I now know what I am not. I still don’t fully know who I am though. I’m told I am Love but I’m not sure my mind can reconcile what that truly means.

Almost two weeks ago I was sitting in my psychologists office sobbing in inexplicable and inexpressible pain. We were nearing the end of our session and she asked that even though I couldn’t do anything about my depression right at that moment in time, could I just let it be that and just deal with the things that needed to be done, despite any of the turbulent emotions I was dealing with? As she asked me this, she made a hand gesture implying the separation of ‘this’ person that feels and ‘that’ person that does. The feeling person would sit over ‘there’ and just be and the doing person would just do what needed to be done to get through one minute of each day.

In that instant of her hand gesture, I understood.

She continued speaking and I retreated into the background to process. I was still hearing her but I had stepped back. I just sat there, chest heaving, tears streaming, knowing that our session would be over in a couple of minutes and there would be no miraculous solution. She would continue her day and see other clients and I would need to leave, still in pain. The pain and torment would still be there…but so would ‘I’ and I just knew (and know) the pain and torment are separate. They are not who I am. I am not my body and I am not my mind and I am not my thoughts or feelings or emotions.

Fast forward about a week.

I just spent this past long weekend in ever-increasing turbulent emotion, committing egregious acts of self-abuse all the while mulling over and meditating on the notion that, again, I am neither my body nor my mind, and praying for revelation and understanding and for the peace of God to flood my being.

At this moment in time I’m certainly not a buoyant orb of angelic light that has transcended any sort of human dimension but I began reading Wayne Dyer’s book, There’s a Spiritual Solution to Every Problem, and I did get a sort of revelation.

I’ve been living separated from God.

Wayne states in his book, “Actions and thoughts, which you might call evil, are the result of the error that is made when you believe you are separate from God…Evil exists first as a thought of non-good or non-God…”

It makes me think of Adam and Eve and how they ate from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. Their eyes were opened to the idea of good and bad and hence, once they focused on two powers, they lost sight of the One and Only Power and thus became separated. Separated only by the inaccurate thoughts of man.

Wayne goes on to say that, “All else that is not good is your mind at work creating the illusions of problems.”

I’m starting to see how my thoughts and judgments keep me trapped in a perpetual and exhausting loop of success and failure.

But truly, I am neither the success nor the failure. I am only the Source of Love that is in me.

It’s the greatest commandment, Love. But what Wayne said next in his book really helped me understand this. He said that God is not an Overcoming Power.

What? When I first read that I was like, “Hey, if that’s the case then I am SCREWED!”

Wayne explains, though, by saying, “There is only one power and that is the power of God or spirit…the power of God is not an overcoming power..since it is the only power there is. There is no secondary power for it to subdue….When you embrace this idea of one power, all other forms of power whether material or mental dissolve.”

These words are resonating with me.

I’ve not binged and purged in two whole days.

Yet when the urges rage I remind myself that if I continue to think of myself as non-good (non-God) then I will always keep myself separate from God.

God is omnipresent and as Wayne reminds, “Nothing of an evil nature has ever touched God.”

I am a temple of God. I am good.

The Prison of Violence

Human nature, the ego, gravitates towards violence almost instinctively. I’m not talking about guns or physical violence here, though those are certainly concrete forms of violence.

No, what I’m talking about is the condition of the human spirit. The world identifies with self and in order to protect self it reacts. The fundamental reaction is to fight.

In the form of self, opposing forces exist. This is not an original or profound idea of mine. No, I would never claim such a thing. We are an ego-centric people. We fight to self-preserve – and self-preservation opposes loss – and opposition to loss breathes life into violence.

What’s interesting about this is that it is a very easy concept to understand, as a cosmic idea that is “out there.” We can easily identify it in others, too. But do we see this light of truth within ourselves? That is not so easy. And in the ignorance of this understanding, ego thrives and violence persists.

I am very slowly starting to break the chains on the confines of the darkness of self and letting the light of formlessness emerge. I exist regardless of any human interaction that presents itself in my life. But I will continue to exist in the pain of form-self if I allow non-acceptance, judgement and resistance to persist.

I don’t want to live in violence and hate any longer.

This all stems from an encounter with my parents last night. I arranged to have dinner with them. It’s been three weeks since I separated from my husband and I felt it was time to share with them what was going on. As a parent I know they worry. I didn’t feel an obligation to tell them, though. I just know that over the past few weeks I’ve revealed to people more about myself than I have ever before and it’s been a very freeing and liberating process for me. In coming out of hiding, I’m allowing the darkness of shame and secrecy to be exposed to the light.

I told them about their daughter who, on some level they know, but in many other ways they do not. I told them my husband is an alcoholic. I told them some of the deeply personal relational issues that exist in my marriage due to this. I told them about my own personal struggles with mental health issues. I told them that the eating disorder I’d developed when I was 18 years old never really “went away.” I told them I recently spent a year in a fairly extensive, out-patient eating disorder treatment program and that I am now over a year symptom-free. I didn’t hide anything. I laid it out there. And while I realize this is a lot for any parent to take in, the response was not what I expected. It was pretty flat. It was quite non-responsive and lacking in any sort of emotional empathy. The words came out of my mother’s mouth, “Well, you know we love you and support you. We will pray for you. And we will continue to pray for your husband. He needs lots of prayer right now.” But, they were just words. And then my dad (bless his heart) mumbled his way through some analogy about men being waffles and women being spaghetti. And that was it.

In all honesty, I didn’t think I had an idea of what sort of response I was going to get. But, I must have had some sort of hope or expectation because, afterwards, I felt disappointment. If I hadn’t been expecting something I couldn’t have possibly felt disappointment for not having received it.

I felt deeply hurt. I wanted to cry. I wanted to point fingers and accuse them of being heartless and loveless. I wanted to be mean and hurt them because they were hurting me. Why don’t they love me? Don’t they see the strength in me for having endured so much? Why don’t they care about me? This isn’t the reaction of people who love their child! What is wrong with them? Some parents they are! No wonder I had so many emotional issues growing up! My sister and I commiserated, our family is fucked!

I felt hot at the moment but refrained from reaction to it. It didn’t diminish the sting at the time but I knew a violent reaction would only beget a more violent response.

And there it is – the prison of violence! Violence begets violence. We reap what we sow.

It’s so natural for ego to present itself in situations like these and that’s why it’s so important to accept the existence of ego, of self – to accept it – but not judge it or resist it. No, I had to feel the pain through this one. And the pain is no one’s fault.

My initial gut reaction to defend myself  was my ego attempting to feed. My ego had created stories of expectation – expectation for things that, through external forces, can never be filled. The stories the ego writes are all fiction. It tells me no one loves me. It tells me no one cares for me. It tells me I am right and everyone else is wrong. It drives me to protect and defend – to protect and defend with hostility and blame and violence.

And I am choosing to not trap myself in this prison anymore.  Our ego-filled world knows violence instinctively. But, love? Unconditional love and the consciousness of light and the understanding of one-ness and am-ness and is-ness – it sounds so beautiful but is not a naturally comfortable place for the ego to be. But with practice, it can become just as natural a response.

If we can all start to practice love and consciousness, then because we are all one, the collective strength of that love and light will overpower the darkness.