How Many Clowns Are in the Car?

How can I hate myself and hate hating myself at the same time? And what, or who, is creating this polar opposition?

July 23, 2016

Though I guess the opposition isn’t so polar after all. Hate is hate, right? Hating hating myself, it seems, is still hate directed at myself. My whole world is seen through the eyes of fear.

I want out of this car. It’s suffocating.

Black

Familiar territory. It’s black.

I sit.

There isn’t anything in the world that I can think of doing that will make things feel any better.

Everyone I know would want to help, would want me to tell them what they can do to help. There isn’t anything.

All I want is for someone to take it away. But they can’t.

Why is this my lot?

Empty. Hollow.

People look on with pity. I stand helpless with tears streaming down my face.

It’s not a state of mind I can change at whim.

People want to hug and say, “It’s okay.”

It’s not okay.

I don’t even feel the hug. A hug has no reassurance, no consolation.

There’s a piece deep within that is completely disconnected.

I don’t feel peace.

I want to. But it’s not even a feeling I can will, it’s like it doesn’t even exist within me.

I don’t know where to find it.

Why?

And the fact that no one can help makes me feel more alone.

 

Lost

I got lost for a while. Real lost!

I don’t even know how it happened and didn’t realize quite how lost I was until I was alone again.

These past few months have seen some crazy shit come and go. I went from being an almost-40, married female to being an almost-40, separated female who, for the first time ever in her life, is doing absolutely everything on her own. But then I made a new friend and I allowed myself to get lost in that friendship. And I probably would have let it keep going but I got dropped. I still don’t understand it completely but here I am alone again, without friend whom I thought was more of a friend than apparently was, and trying to figure out who the hell I am, why I’m doing the things I’m doing, and how I’m going to keep moving forward.

This friendship I speak of has had a profound impact on my life but, in hindsight, my fertile mind took ideas that I loved and that resonated deeply with me, and turned them all into rules, rules that I believed only someone else knew how to act in accordance with. Every decision I was about to make I found myself checking in to make sure I was making the right choice. And most often I wasn’t. I started to become the second-guessing ninny that lies deep within me, petrified of being wrong, fearful that every wrong choice I make will leave me alone.

Being dropped as a friend, quite abruptly, was really painful for me, but looking back, it’s only made me stronger.

There isn’t one other person on this planet who can make my choices for me. I really have to sink into singularity and know that deep within I have an innate ability to choose the right things for me.

And what is most clear to me now is that there are no right ways or wrong ways, only different ways. I can search for someone to tell me how to do something only to turn around and find someone else who will tell me to do it the completely opposite way. Who’s right? Well, I guess we all are so long as we are choosing with our heart and doing what feels right. But beyond that, I also have to stand behind what I choose and I know I can confidently do that when there isn’t guilt, questioning, or condemnation.

Equally important to me is understanding that the choices I make aren’t concrete. If I make a choice and then learn something more about the choice I’m making and decide I should be doing something differently, well I can damn well change my mind. I just need to be aware and present in the faculty of my own mind when I decide. I need to ask myself why I’m making a choice and why it feels right to me. I need to strip away all the external factors and voices surrounding the choice I make and if, while alone, I can still, with all my heart, know that that is the choice I want and need to make, then I will.

I cannot make sense of so much that is taking shape right now. My life feels very messy and haphazard right now. I’m up and down. I’m good and bad. I’m vibrant and energetic and then I’m exhausted and done in. But overall, I have a very concrete image of who I am and where I want to be and as long as the image is there then that is what I see and rely on when I choose the direction of every aspect of my life. Is this action in alignment with who I am? If so, then I can accept that direction. If not, then I can just as easily reject that direction and move on.

I was lost. I’m still lost. But with each day, and with repetition, practice and fierce tenacity, I become a little more me and little less lost.