I recently acquired a new friend. It’s a “he” and I like him very much. He’s a little eccentric but so interesting and unique. I enjoy listening to his thoughts and opinions and ideas. He’s a lovely, caring person with a special energy about him. His recent presence in my life has created this sense of joy and anticipation and bounce in me. I haven’t felt like this in a long, long, long time. I have this smile on my face that I can’t seem to get rid of. I feel happiness. I feel weightless.
I feel weightless.
I feel weightless and I’ve lost my appetite. I don’t want to eat. My stomach isn’t hungry. I know I need to eat something – I’m feeding recovery from an eating disorder. The food I touch now though scares me a little. I don’t want it. I don’t want to eat. I’m afraid. Tiny whispers float over me, it’s the voice of ED. Food, eating – it will change everything but I want time to stand still.
Something beautiful has entered my life and I don’t want it to go. I want to stay locked in this feeling. I’m not sure why this person has been drawn to me or why he wants to spend time with me but I fear he will go. I fear this joy and happiness will be lost.
I feel an internal shift. What began as a mutual and effortless relationship is slowly evolving into something that I am personally responsible for. I need to maintain whatever it is that brought this person in to my life.
I don’t know what it is that drew him to me but I know one thing for sure – if I eat, I will change. I get this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when food is placed before me. It’s the root of all evil. I want to be small and fragile. I don’t want to be invasive; I want to be small enough to handle. I want to be cared for and loved. I don’t want to need. This is going to hurt like hell when he leaves and it will be my fault.
A nerve is being hit right now. I’m a little shaky as I type this and the tears are starting to well. Years are rewinding in my head at lightning speed. I’m brought back to the age of seven and begin sifting and sorting through the next 11 years.
Abandonment, loneliness, disapproval, isolation, criticism. I spent 11 years experiencing these things. No one wanted me.
I lost 40 pounds when I was 18. Everyone noticed. Boys liked it, others worried. Either way, I was transported to the forefront. What euphoria! There’s nothing greater than being special and now it was my responsibility to keep myself special.
I was too big to care for before so I had to keep myself as small as possible, to not be a burden that would be too big for others to carry. The only way I knew how though was through my manipulation and use of food. If I eat, I will change.
I’m feeling this way all over again and it’s scary. I could go either way here but I’m a little bit stronger now. I don’t want the fear of abandonment to get a grip on me. Abandonment is always a possibility and not one that I can control. I’m trying to to accept that feeling now, that feeling of loss. It’s shameful though to me, to acquire something and then lose it. My fault, my fault, my fault.
Whoever the “you” may be…I want to please you. I want you to be proud of me. I don’t want to disappoint you. I don’t want you to leave me. What can I do so that you won’t leave?
Sometimes, one can do nothing to prevent loss.