Disconnected

Words cannot express how lost and displaced I am feeling right now.

The irritability sits at the forefront of my heart and I’m fearful when I feel it stir.

I belong absolutely nowhere right now.

The pain of disconnection is indescribable.

I have never, in all my life, felt a sense of belonging, yet I feel like there is a place for me. But I’m still searching.

I’m caught in between.

I left and that no longer feels good. But to be back where I came from hurts just as much.

I was there just this morning and when he wrapped his arms around me I felt more alone than ever.

His embrace of my body felt more like a proclaiming of object than of a place of rest.

It hurts. I hurt so badly right now.

I try to separate ego and Self. I cannot do it. There is a part of my inner being that says feeling plays a part, that feeling is human. The disconnection from Love is where I’m lost.

Inconsolable almost.

Will I ever find the connection that the inner-most being of me longs for?

I can only flounder blindly and with fervent faith, gripping with the tips of my fingers and praying with all my might, that He is putting me back together and not letting me fall completely.

 

Lost and Found

Again and again and again. I keep losing myself and finding myself. Over and over and over.

To understand the power of presence and how I relate to life – my being ONE with it – it’s not easy for my fully egoic and human mind.

But I continue to practice.

I’ve had several emotional breakdowns over the last few weeks. They’ve been piercing, seething pains that sink me to my knees. And when they’ve happened I’ve felt alone beyond expression. I’ve wanted to yell and curse and blame – blame anyone who is in the way of my hurt. I’ve wanted to reach out to people and say some pretty harsh and irrational things. But I haven’t. I start to and then I realize that the only honest response is that my pain is a story generated by my thoughts and emotions.

Why do I instinctively want to hurt and blame others when it is me who is hurting? Because I’m detached – I’m lost in the world of form and thought. It’s cold and lonely there.

In these moments of disorientation I have allowed the pain to come. It hurts like hell and I don’t, at the time, think it will ever go away. But, lo and behold, the next day I walk out of the abyss with a greater understanding.

Slowly, slowly, slowly the layers are being peeled away and the oneness that I AM is being exposed.

With practice I will be found more often than I am lost.

Touch

Joyful and happy,
A sweet little girl,
Smiling and hopping,
Bouncing her curls.

Freckles and smiles,
Covered her face,
A soul full of innocence,
Then taken in haste.

Abandoned and frightened,
Lost and alone,
A dark empty heart,
And a soul full of stone.

Her body abandoned,
Left empty and cold,
Warmth and love were desired,
But starvation took hold.

Then hunger took over,
Desperate to fill,
The dark empty hole,
That invaded her still.

Food became love,
And self filled with shame,
Light turned to dark,
And emptiness came.

No one took notice,
She was slipping away,
But she wanted to be loved,
She wanted to stay.

Then out of no where,
A hand did out reach,
She extended hers also,
Hearts started to beat.

Lightness flowed over,
Her body of black,
Sensations of love,
Were all coming back.

The hunger was lifting,
And filling with air,
A lightness ensued,
By a body touched bare.

Tingles and shivers,
Were felt once again,
Excitement and joy,
Were replacing the pain.

Love is so varied,
And can take many forms,
Touch and compassion,
Are calming my storms.

~ by edstarver

Starving for Security

I recently acquired a new friend. It’s a “he” and I like him very much. He’s a little eccentric but so interesting and unique. I enjoy listening to his thoughts and opinions and ideas. He’s a lovely, caring person with a special energy about him. His recent presence in my life has created this sense of joy and anticipation and bounce in me. I haven’t felt like this in a long, long, long time. I have this smile on my face that I can’t seem to get rid of. I feel happiness. I feel weightless.

I feel weightless.

I feel weightless and I’ve lost my appetite. I don’t want to eat. My stomach isn’t hungry. I know I need to eat something – I’m feeding recovery from an eating disorder. The food I touch now though scares me a little. I don’t want it. I don’t want to eat. I’m afraid. Tiny whispers float over me, it’s the voice of ED. Food, eating – it will change everything but I want time to stand still.

Something beautiful has entered my life and I don’t want it to go. I want to stay locked in this feeling. I’m not sure why this person has been drawn to me or why he wants to spend time with me but I fear he will go. I fear this joy and happiness will be lost.

I feel an internal shift. What began as a mutual and effortless relationship is slowly evolving into something that I am personally responsible for. I need to maintain whatever it is that brought this person in to my life.

I don’t know what it is that drew him to me but I know one thing for sure – if I eat, I will change. I get this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when food is placed before me. It’s the root of all evil. I want to be small and fragile. I don’t want to be invasive; I want to be small enough to handle. I want to be cared for and loved. I don’t want to need. This is going to hurt like hell when he leaves and it will be my fault.

A nerve is being hit right now. I’m a little shaky as I type this and the tears are starting to well. Years are rewinding in my head at lightning speed. I’m brought back to the age of seven and begin sifting and sorting through the next 11 years.

Abandonment, loneliness, disapproval, isolation, criticism. I spent 11 years experiencing these things. No one wanted me.

I lost 40 pounds when I was 18. Everyone noticed. Boys liked it, others worried. Either way, I was transported to the forefront. What euphoria! There’s nothing greater than being special and now it was my responsibility to keep myself special.

I was too big to care for before so I had to keep myself as small as possible, to not be a burden that would be too big for others to carry. The only way I knew how though was through my manipulation and use of food. If I eat, I will change.

I’m feeling this way all over again and it’s scary. I could go either way here but I’m a little bit stronger now. I don’t want the fear of abandonment to get a grip on me. Abandonment is always a possibility and not one that I can control. I’m trying to to accept that feeling now, that feeling of loss. It’s shameful though to me, to acquire something and then lose it. My fault, my fault, my fault.

Whoever the “you” may be…I want to please you. I want you to be proud of me. I don’t want to disappoint you. I don’t want you to leave me. What can I do so that you won’t leave?

Sometimes, one can do nothing to prevent loss.