Ask not for healing but for right perception.
That seems quite logical. Ask not for change of a shitty situation but only right perception of it. The more I seem to look at my “problems”, I can’t seem to find an alternative situation that would make it “better.” Only different problems surface.
I think of my eating disordered mind that is still harboring old thought patterns. No change in food consumption, hair style, exercise regime, etc. will solve any of these things if my perception of myself continues to be skewed.
I’m not sure where right perception comes from though. Does it just dawn on me? I can’t go searching for it anymore because every perceived answer I come up with seems to be wrong.
Simply ask and wait?
It’s been just a little over two years since my first blog post and I recall such a naivety within me.
I felt like I’d conquered the hardest thing I was ever going to endure and yet, here I sit, realizing that was only just the beginning.
Little did I know that it was a simultaneous ending and beginning.
That’s the funny thing I hadn’t known about creation. It’s cyclical and spiraling, not ever a closed process.
I thought my life had a beginning, a middle, and an end, that’s it. But I’ve since realized there is a beginning, a middle, and an end, and a beginning, a middle, and an end, and a beginning, a middle, and an end. I could go on but I think you get the picture.
Right now, I’m beginning again. There is no need to be frustrated, guilty, or ashamed. I am simply in the beginning stages of a new creation and laying the ground work, day by day.
I’m finally willing to let go of the past. I was caught in the last cycle, unwilling to move forward. It was terribly painful. But, now, I am willing.
It’s time to begin anew.
I experienced a world unlike any other tonight. The world lives and breathes after 5:00 p.m. It’s fucking brilliant!!!!!!!!!!
I took a long walk tonight down by the lake. There is activity and vibrancy outside of the confines of the suffocating suburbs. It’s beautiful! I found life and breath. I saw where others find peace and solace.
I am without company yet I am not alone.
The energy of form and life flow uninhibited. I am a part of it.