Anxiety: A Stifling of Power

I felt the words rise into my chest and up to my mouth but my lips would not allow them through. My heart began to pound.

I realized in that moment that what I termed anxiety has only been the bubbling of my Power within and my own refusal to allow its free-flowing expression.

I see the beating heart and shaking voice now, not as my anxiety, my deficiency, but my God Within rising to be released and expressed.

The practice now is to trust this uprising, this foreign power – to reacquaint myself with my Self and to trust fully in the perfect rhythm and flow of Life.

Only I can choose to allow Its expression – who am I to deny such a thing?

To Medicate or Not…

This is not the first post I’ve done regarding my decisions to make use of pharmaceuticals. It seems to be an ongoing ‘dilemma’ for me.

I don’t doubt that many people face similar questioning about whether meds are the right choice. Everyone’s situation is different though and so the question should always be directed inward – Why am I choosing this and what, or who, am I trying to protect? The answer will come in honest seeking.

For me, it appears, that at least for now, the medicating will continue.

Seek and ye shall find:

Perhaps my imperfections are meant to teach me something. I get it.

This dilemma about whether to increase my meds or not – why am I against it? What am I trying to prove? Perhaps it’s a lesson in letting go of preconceived, self-made notions of how things should be, letting go of rules and ideas around purity being obtained through my own actions, that in some way strict adherence to a list of commandments will offer me my salvation.

But how could I have been made with imperfections to begin with if Perfection itself made me? Precisely! The so-called imperfection was made Perfectly and therefore not an imperfection at all.

Ah, at first an epiphany but then more confusion comes. I can accept the depression but how do I live with it? It’s all-consuming, at its worst, and I am lost – not the ‘real’ me, of course, that’s still inside. But it’s been barricaded.

With medication the barricades are no longer concrete walls. Rather they are pesky nets of weeds, no longer impenetrable, but a nuisance nonetheless and a hindrance to joy.

The Joy is there, this I know.

If more medication could obliterate the weeds and offer a direct path to joy, why would I not take it? Because it’s Joy I want, not joy. I want Truth, not oblivion.

Why would I take a piece when I could have the whole? But could a piece of Wholeness be not whole?

Why would you allow yourself to struggle still?

Why would you enter the dark forest in search of light when you stand in it already? Or rather, why would you not step out of the dark forest and expose yourself to the light?

Do you fear the light? You don’t know it, do you? All you know is darkness so you keep yourself enveloped in its safety.

You’re afraid of what you’ll see.

But medication’s not of God.

Who says? Did God not make the mind of man that made the medication?

But depression’s not of God?

Who says? See it not of God and it’s a curse for sure!

Apart from its whole, you know not what it is. The image on the puzzle piece means nothing until it’s put in place. And the whole image can’t be seen without its pieces.

If the wholeness of God is joy, allow yourself to be the piece you were meant to be.

You’re so afraid of joy. You know not what it is.

It’s true.

Medication can’t touch me, truly. But in believing it can I keep myself in body, fearful of its demise.

Let go of your body, little mind, and find solace in My offering to you. My Joy cannot be found in your weak protection of your self. Fear not. Let go of your self and find Me.

I know not what I’ll find in Joy. It’s true – I am afraid.

I continue to see myself as separate, trying to make my piece whole, alone.

Yet a ray of light shines not at all without the sun.

I’m a defiant little ray. I’ve known darkness for so long. I have no idea how bright I could truly be in union with the sun.

Does the type of bridge I cross to freedom truly matter? I think not. All that matters is that I choose to cross it. The paths are all different but the destination is the same.

The instruction is not to devise your own path but to seek His will in all you do and He will direct your path.

My Moose

Whenever I drive up north, which is usually only once per year in the mid summer, I’m always on the lookout for moose. I never see one but I keep my eyes peeled with eager expectation.

I’m in awe of the moose.

It’s funny how life works. It’s beautiful, really, once you stop and open your heart to it. Amazing things begin to happen; signs become visible to the eyes and ears that were once hardened and transformation takes place.

Two weeks ago, on the very first day that I moved out, I was sitting in my newly acquired hotel room in silence. Just me. No noise. The sun was shining. I felt vibrant, I needed to go. I needed to get out.

I decided, because I had just let go of all responsibility and had no time constraints guiding my day, to drive three hours north to visit a friend. I love driving on my own. I rolled the windows down, put on beautiful music and let the energy be my guide.

I spent a few hours with my friend before I had to hit the road to travel home again but it was a beautiful afternoon filled with an abundance of beautiful spirit and energy.

I got in my car and headed south. I wasn’t in the car more than five minutes when I turned my head to the left to a swampy marsh at the side of the road.

And there he stood. MY MOOSE!

I slammed on my brakes, parked my car on the side of a desolate road, and stood in peace watching my beautiful moose.

He was a sign. Why now? Why after all this time has my moose come walking into my life? Coincidence? No, it’s too amazing! It was the most spectacular moment and I am blessed to have bared witness to this majestic creature.

I had dinner with a dear friend last night who suggested I look up what it means to have a moose cross my path. How is this spirit animal guiding me? This was a new concept for me, I hadn’t considered “spirit animals” before.

What I found is so beautiful and special to me! This is what I found from here:

If Moose has come passing through your life:

Know and understand that you – and only you – have the authority to make your own choices in life. You do not need to feel ashamed or pressured in any way by your friends and peers in that what you choose is different from them. Stand strong and proud and own who you are! Your individuality is your strength.

If Moose is your Animal Totem:

Your strength is in knowing exactly who you are. You have integrity and always stay true to yourself in decisions and life choices. Friends and peers look up to your knowledge and innate wisdom. You see life for what it is – a long journey with short stops to enjoy the spoils along the way. You move through life with pride and authority.

Yes. Given the whirlwind of events that I’ve been caught up in of late, I believe I have confirmation that I am headed in my right direction.

People like you.

I acquired a new friend a couple of months ago.

To say he’s eccentric is a slight understatement. Eccentric doesn’t imply ‘crazy’ or ‘weird’ at all – he’s a warm and lovely human being with a beautiful energy – but he’s just so beyond most people’s understanding. As such, he lives in a slightly isolated state. He just hasn’t been able to make the deep connection with like-minded people because he can’t find anyone who is quite where he is at.

I love people. And the more eccentric, the better, for me. I admire new thought and ideas. I don’t have to agree with everything someone says to me but I’m a very open individual who is willing to hear and explore things which I’ve never thought about before. It’s exhilarating!

His eccentricity, my openness. We made a connection (or so I thought). We’ve spent a few times together, taking a walk and such, but mostly we communicate through email.

It’s been really nice to have someone to talk about different things with. It’s been refreshing just to have these lovely conversations. I thought we were both enjoying the company of each other. I’m not so sure anymore.

We talked recently about attending an event that is of mutual interest. We were not talking of going together but we both were considering going. He then made a comment…and it pierced my heart.

He said,  “I’ve gone to these types of things before, & no offense, but I hardly meet anyone like me there, it’s all people like you, that are “interested in” or “supportive of” this stuff they’ve heard about… I just don’t know what rock to lift to find the people like me that I thought were out there.”

I didn’t react to this. I re-read this even now and I just stare at it. I can’t help but identify a feeling of hurt in my heart.

What I think about this at this moment in time:

  • If a statement needs to be prefaced by the words “no offense” there is something that will be offensive about such a statement. There is derogatory intent in what is about to be said.
  • There is exclusivity in this statement – an omission of consideration.
  • There is an implication that one way is less than and one way is more important than, better than.

I’m attempting to remain impartial to this but I cannot. Ultimately, I feel like this person who I thought had more of an appreciation for me, has actually not so much of an appreciation for me. It feels like I am being tolerated.

My initial reaction is to be apologetic. I want to apologize for being someone he has to lower himself to.

But that won’t do. I won’t do it.

People like me? People like me are people like you. We breath, we eat, we feel, we think, we love – we’re not so different.

I like people like me.

Alive after five…

I experienced a world unlike any other tonight. The world lives and breathes after 5:00 p.m. It’s fucking brilliant!!!!!!!!!!

I took a long walk tonight down by the lake. There is activity and vibrancy outside of the confines of the suffocating suburbs. It’s beautiful! I found life and breath. I saw where others find peace and solace.

I am without company yet I am not alone.

The energy of form and life flow uninhibited. I am a part of it.