This is not the first post I’ve done regarding my decisions to make use of pharmaceuticals. It seems to be an ongoing ‘dilemma’ for me.
I don’t doubt that many people face similar questioning about whether meds are the right choice. Everyone’s situation is different though and so the question should always be directed inward – Why am I choosing this and what, or who, am I trying to protect? The answer will come in honest seeking.
For me, it appears, that at least for now, the medicating will continue.
Seek and ye shall find:
Perhaps my imperfections are meant to teach me something. I get it.
This dilemma about whether to increase my meds or not – why am I against it? What am I trying to prove? Perhaps it’s a lesson in letting go of preconceived, self-made notions of how things should be, letting go of rules and ideas around purity being obtained through my own actions, that in some way strict adherence to a list of commandments will offer me my salvation.
But how could I have been made with imperfections to begin with if Perfection itself made me? Precisely! The so-called imperfection was made Perfectly and therefore not an imperfection at all.
Ah, at first an epiphany but then more confusion comes. I can accept the depression but how do I live with it? It’s all-consuming, at its worst, and I am lost – not the ‘real’ me, of course, that’s still inside. But it’s been barricaded.
With medication the barricades are no longer concrete walls. Rather they are pesky nets of weeds, no longer impenetrable, but a nuisance nonetheless and a hindrance to joy.
The Joy is there, this I know.
If more medication could obliterate the weeds and offer a direct path to joy, why would I not take it? Because it’s Joy I want, not joy. I want Truth, not oblivion.
Why would I take a piece when I could have the whole? But could a piece of Wholeness be not whole?
Why would you allow yourself to struggle still?
Why would you enter the dark forest in search of light when you stand in it already? Or rather, why would you not step out of the dark forest and expose yourself to the light?
Do you fear the light? You don’t know it, do you? All you know is darkness so you keep yourself enveloped in its safety.
You’re afraid of what you’ll see.
But medication’s not of God.
Who says? Did God not make the mind of man that made the medication?
But depression’s not of God?
Who says? See it not of God and it’s a curse for sure!
Apart from its whole, you know not what it is. The image on the puzzle piece means nothing until it’s put in place. And the whole image can’t be seen without its pieces.
If the wholeness of God is joy, allow yourself to be the piece you were meant to be.
You’re so afraid of joy. You know not what it is.
Medication can’t touch me, truly. But in believing it can I keep myself in body, fearful of its demise.
Let go of your body, little mind, and find solace in My offering to you. My Joy cannot be found in your weak protection of your self. Fear not. Let go of your self and find Me.
I know not what I’ll find in Joy. It’s true – I am afraid.
I continue to see myself as separate, trying to make my piece whole, alone.
Yet a ray of light shines not at all without the sun.
I’m a defiant little ray. I’ve known darkness for so long. I have no idea how bright I could truly be in union with the sun.
Does the type of bridge I cross to freedom truly matter? I think not. All that matters is that I choose to cross it. The paths are all different but the destination is the same.
The instruction is not to devise your own path but to seek His will in all you do and He will direct your path.