A Different Question

Ask not for healing but for right perception.

That seems quite logical. Ask not for change of a shitty situation but only right perception of it. The more I seem to look at my “problems”, I can’t seem to find an alternative situation that would make it “better.” Only different problems surface.

I think of my eating disordered mind that is still harboring old thought patterns. No change in food consumption, hair style, exercise regime, etc. will solve any of these things if my perception of myself continues to be skewed.

I’m not sure where right perception comes from though. Does it just dawn on me? I can’t go searching for it anymore because every perceived answer I come up with seems to be wrong.

Simply ask and wait?

Releasing Has No End

Interestingly, being willing to release the need for certain things does not mean they are automatically released. Quite the contrary, actually. It only means that when these things surface, I must reassert my willingness to let them go.

I have become a willing participant recently in giving up the need for many of my old, ingrained behaviors and thought patterns. I initially thought that by releasing these things I was emptying the basket, hitting the delete button, removing the discomforts from my life forever. That didn’t happen.

Instead, I was bombarded by the very things I thought I’d released. I was headed for another meltdown when it suddenly dawned on me that the act of releasing isn’t a one-shot pony. Nope, it’s a continuous act of letting go.

I feel angry at my husband. The anger hasn’t disappeared but every time it surfaces, I am willing to let it go.

I get angry at my body for being so hungry. The hunger keeps coming but I keep letting it go. I eat instead. I am willing to release the need to punish myself and feel unworthy.

It’s been six weeks of constant repetition and letting go. Here it is and I let go. Here that is and I let go. Again and again and again and again and again. I am willing to release whatever it is that arises within me that makes me uncomfortable. And I’m willing to do it forever.

Surprisingly, I can vaguely feel this space opening inside me and allowing for the new to spring forth. The new scares me – tremendously. But I’ve arrived at the place where the old, the past, it scares me more.

Only by letting go of the past will I ever experience the new, the now. It’s here.

A Time to Live, A Time to Die

It’s been just a little over two years since my first blog post and I recall such a naivety within me.

I felt like I’d conquered the hardest thing I was ever going to endure and yet, here I sit, realizing that was only just the beginning.

Little did I know that it was a simultaneous ending and beginning.

That’s the funny thing I hadn’t known about creation. It’s cyclical and spiraling, not ever a closed process.

I thought my life had a beginning, a middle, and an end, that’s it. But I’ve since realized there is a beginning, a middle, and an end, and a beginning, a middle, and an end, and a beginning, a middle, and an end. I could go on but I think you get the picture.

Right now, I’m beginning again. There is no need to be frustrated, guilty, or ashamed. I am simply in the beginning stages of a new creation and laying the ground work, day by day.

I’m finally willing to let go of the past. I was caught in the last cycle, unwilling to move forward. It was terribly painful. But, now, I am willing.

It’s time to begin anew.

 

A Voice in Darkness

Something wonderful is happening when you’re no longer looking at ‘problems’ as something painful that needs solving and instead start realizing they’re a beacon, a calling of the darkness to the light.

Within it comes a voice. “Can you see me here?”, it asks.

When the answer is yes, you see the Light and what you thought was a problem disappears from sight completely.

The Undercurrent of My Human Mind

I stand in front of the vending machine, mid-morning. My eyes dart back and forth between the whole wheat bagel with light cream cheese and the blueberry muffin.

I can’t decide. The thoughts and questioning roll in like thunder clouds.

Which would be the better choice? I like muffins. I’d rather have an oatmeal muffin though (but blueberry is my only option). I’m not sure I feel like a bagel. Maybe the bagel is healthier. The bagel is probably going to fill me up more. I wonder if I’ll feel too full. Will that be too many carbs today? I can only imagine the amount of sugar in either option. I wonder how much high fructose corn syrup is in the bagel and cream cheese. I really should stay away from the HFCS – that stuff is killing the world. Remember that documentary? You’re falling into the trap of the “big guy” feeding you this sugar crap. I’ve put so much effort into eating healthy. This is going to kill my healthy glow. I’m hungry though. These are my options. You really should have been more prepared than this. Why do you have to eat at all? Why can’t you just NOT eat? Ah, so little will-power. You’re such a needy person. Stop it! Focus! You need to eat! Try thinking about it. Which one would taste better to you? I can’t decide. The muffin looks small. Hmm. My eyes dart back and forth again and again and again. What should I eat? Oh, come on! Stop thinking about what you should eat – try and tap into what you would prefer. I try to imagine eating both options and what each would taste like. I still can’t decide. Fuck! Just pick you stupid idiot! It shouldn’t be this hard. It’s just a bagel and muffin. But it’s not just a bagel and muffin. There are consequences to this choice. Fuck, you are fucked! If only people could hear you. They’d think you’re nuts! Surely I can’t be the only one who thinks like this. Why can’t I just be normal. Fuck, would you focus already and just fucking pick! Okay, okay. Hmm. Okay, I’ll get the bagel.

I put in the $2 and the bagel drops down. I guiltily take my bad choice from the trough and walk back to my desk. You shouldn’t be eating this. This isn’t food. It’s fake food. It’s filled with sugar and unnatural ingredients you can’t even pronounce. Oh stop. It’s just food. Remember what the bible says – it’s not what goes into the mouth that defiles a person. Yeah, I know. But what comes out of my mouth is no good either. I’m such an evil person. There’s no goodness in me. I am wicked and will never find the way to heaven. If only people knew how evil you are. Oh stop it. Don’t identify with that voice. It’s your ego messing with you. It’s just a bagel.

I open the bagel and spread one half with cream cheese. What would B think? He told you that if it isn’t real, raw and organic than don’t eat. Why are you eating this crap? He’d be so disappointed. He wouldn’t even want to be in your presence if he knew what you were doing to your body. You’re such a disgrace. Fat, fat, fat. Ugly, ugly, ugly. Tsk, tsk, tsk. Shame on you, shame on you, shame on you. Oh fuck it! B doesn’t give a shit about me anyway. He couldn’t care any less about me and isn’t wasting his time thinking about me so stop thinking about him. He’s not God. Remember what the bible says – it’s not the food that will defile you. All things are life. Stop judging.

The bagel reaches my lips. I feel sick. I force myself to eat it. I only eat half and then put the other half away. I’m so ashamed. Well, just put it behind you. Next time will be better. You don’t eat bagels everyday. Don’t worry. Oh, you’re just like your mother. You can’t stop eating. What’s wrong with you? Do you want to turn out like that? My stomach feels so fat. I feel disgusting. I sit, internally writhing in mental and physical discomfort. I try to focus on work. And I work but I’m not focused on work. I’m focused on my body. You are so awful. I still feel hungry. Stop! You just ate half a bagel. How could you possibly be hungry? Drink some water. I don’t feel like water. I’m tired. Why am I so tired all the time? It’s because I’m not sleeping well. It’s because you can’t stop these incessant thoughts. Fuck, just stop thinking. Breathe! Sigh. You know what? It’s Friday. Just let it go – go have another coffee. That’ll make you feel better, take the edge off your hunger. Why do you have to be such a hungry girl. No one will ever love you. You know that, right? You can’t take care of yourself. You’re always needing. You gave away the only person who does love you so shame on you. You just have to deal with that. It’s your fault. He loved you. Why would you give him up? Stop. You left for a reason. Remember, you do love him but he’s an alcoholic. You had to leave. But you shouldn’t have. You can’t do this on your own. You are absolutely messing up your life. You’re fucked. You’re going to wind up an old, unlovable, wrinkled ugly woman living alone in squalor, in a ratty old apartment that smells like a stank hole. You’re never going to amount to anything. Too bad. You should have thought about that before you decided to leave. At least you’d have a comfortable home and not have to want for anything. But that’s not the life you want, is it? Come on, you can do this. These are just thoughts. You’re not your thoughts. Focus. Focus. Focus. You can be more. You know it, deep within your heart. It doesn’t matter what you weigh or look like. You’ve got a good job and work with great people. Why can’t you be more grateful? You’re such an ungrateful sod. You have more than so many others and yet you take advantage of what you have. Shame on you. But I’m so sad. Okay. Okay. I can do this. Just get through the day. After work you’ll get your hair cut, get dinner, get an oil change, do laundry, clean the house, have a work out. But when do I get to relax? Stop, you don’t need to relax. If you focus on the moment all your work should feel like bliss. It shouldn’t matter what you do if you’re doing it with joy in your heart. Why can’t I feel the joy? Why does my life feel so black? I’m so tired. Why? Will I ever be happy and feel joy? I’ve never felt joy. I feel hopeless. Here I go again. Why can’t I be happy? What is wrong with me? I’m hungry. Okay, it’s almost 1:00 p.m. Go ahead and eat lunch, if you must. It’s a healthy lunch, it’s okay. There’s not as many vegetables in here. Where are the greens? You should be eating way more greens. Your skin is going to start showing the mess of a diet you’ve been eating. Come on, just eat. Shut up. It’s tasty. Not bad. I’m full. You’re fat. You should’ve waited to eat lunch. But I was hungry. No you weren’t. You just can’t stop eating. Eat, eat, eat. No control. It’s okay. I’ll work out tonight. But it’s Friday. I’m tired. I don’t want to work out. No, you know what? It is Friday! You’ve had a tough week. Just forget it all today – all bets are off! One last binge, one last purge. Then you can start fresh tomorrow. Have an extra long workout to make up for it and then you’ll be back on track.

I’m so gray and dark at this point. I can’t focus. The tears are welling. The days have gone on and on like this for what feels like an eternity. The shackles are heavy. I want to die. I don’t really want to die but I don’t see any way out. This is my life. You’ve made a damn mess of it too! Why can’t someone help me? Who? Who would help you? What could they possibly do for you to make any of this feel better or go away completely? Nothing. Who can I call? Mom, dad, sis? No, they’d listen and then just look at you with pity. I don’t need pity. I’m not a pitiful person. I’m so strong. What about B? No, you’d just be dragging him into your mess of a world. Don’t drag others into your dismal abyss. What about L? I should get together with friends. No, they’ll just want to have fun and you’d just be a depressed mess. Who wants to hang out with that? No one. But I can’t stand this. I can’t stand myself. I can’t stand being alone. I can’t be the only one who feels like this. There must be others out there. But why do we all struggle alone? What would make me feel better? Nothing. There isn’t anything anybody can do. Just be miserable then! But I don’t want to be miserable. The sun is shining, it’s such a beautiful day. You can’t even enjoy it. Look, people go out for walks and get out and live life. Look at you! You just whole up and can barely face it. Weak, weak, weak. Who are you? What’s the point? Why bother? This can’t be it though. There has to be more! What though, what more is there? You’ve lived 40 years like this. Why would you think it’s going to change? Because it has to! I’m worth more than this! I know I am. Come on! You’re so egotistical. Always thinking of yourself! Stop. I’m tired. Maybe you should just have a glass of wine and relax tonight. Oh sure, just filling yourself with other ways to make yourself feel better. Wine won’t help either. There is nothing you can do.

I feel heavy. I feel fat. I feel tired. I feel worthless. I feel lazy. I feel useless. I feel hungry. I feel full. I feel sick. I feel fear. I feel unloved. I feel lost. I feel disconnected. I feel not human. I feel alone. I feel afraid. I feel. I feel deeply. I want to love. I want to feel. I’m not worthy.

The stream of thought is endless. And this only accounts for about 30 minutes of my day.

How does one escape this nightmare?

I’m watching…

…and if I can see what I’m holding I can make a decision to let it go.

 

Why?

Because of your drinking.

But, in saying that, it’s not really because of your drinking. If you took out the booze and stopped drinking, the problems don’t go away. Alcoholism is only one term to describe a way of being; it’s an all-encompassing way to merge a plethora of problems into a single word.

Alcoholism is a word that can be understood. It’s a way to explain the pain without detailing the ways in which it hurts.

I don’t blame the drinking. The drinking is a disguise. The drinking is used as an avoidance tool and has sucked you right out of your life. It’s almost impossible for you to feel pleasure without it because you won’t let yourself endure the pain first.

I longed for a partnership in every sense of the word but I’m still waiting for it.

I know we signed a contract. We talk about that often. But we also made promises to each other – to love, comfort and honour each other, in sickness and in health, for as long as we both shall live.

Our marriage was intended to join us for life in an intimate and loving relationship. But, such a relationship requires sharing, talking together, listening to each other and encouraging the growth of our strengths as individuals as well as the strength of our partnership. Real love is about looking outward in the same direction together.

I admit there is a mutual love and respect between us. You are a phenomenal provider for your family and a fiercely loyal husband. You take care of your responsibilities, your chores, your obligations. But so much is still missing.

You had an outward direction for your life. It was important for you to be a provider and to ensure the financial stability of your family. You’ve stayed the course and met your goals. You’ve done an excellent job and I’m very proud of you.

But you never wanted to look in my direction. I had dreams and goals too. I wanted to get a degree. I wanted to have a family. I wanted to be a mom.

You wouldn’t engage in conversations with me about trying to make any of my dreams a reality. You wouldn’t engage at all; instead you pulled away.

We’ve been married almost 10 years. I’ve tried to touch you and become intimate but you don’t want to kiss me, you don’t want to touch me. Instead, you walk away. This is your way of ensuring I will never be a mom. I’ve given up on that dream. It’s a silent punishment I endure every day.

How can you tell someone you love them and deny them physical intimacy? How can you tell someone you love them and deny them conversation? How can you tell someone you love them and deny them company and companionship? How can you tell someone you love them and not ask them about their life? How can you tell someone you love them and not encourage them to follow their dreams? How can you tell someone you love them and crack the next beer? How can you tell someone you love them if you don’t want to be with them? Is it love to just want someone around but not want to be present in their life and their experiences?

“I love you” are just three meaningless words. But to give love is to give yourself wholeheartedly.

But you’re gone. I don’t feel your presence. I don’t feel your enthusiasm. I don’t feel your love. I only feel your duty and your obligation.

I want to feel passion. I want to experience joy. I want to share the glory of life with others. Life is beautiful and, as we both know, very, very short.

I stand on the edge of the unknown, willing to jump holding someone else’s hand – so long as we do it together.

But you’ve retreated and now I stand alone.

Why are you just hearing about this now? You’re not. It’s all been said before.

I don’t know where to go from here. I think a lot will be dependent on you and how far you’re willing to go, how high you want to climb.

What I do know though, is that this isn’t something that is going to “pass.” It needs to be addressed, not ignored, and it’s going to take a lot of work. And, in all honesty, I don’t think this is work that we can do in the presence of each other, living under the same roof.

We need to start over. I feel neglected and ignored. I feel disrespected and undervalued. I am angry. I am hurt.

I’m not even really sure who you are anymore. And I don’t think you know either. There’s a lot of pain and hurt and fear in you and while I’m willing to support you every step of the way if outward and upward are the directions you want to go, I cannot stand idle and exist, suspended in time, in a place that isn’t fulfilling, that isn’t uplifting. I don’t want to feel suffocated anymore.

It’s time to decide if we’re going to travel in the same direction.