Because of your drinking.
But, in saying that, it’s not really because of your drinking. If you took out the booze and stopped drinking, the problems don’t go away. Alcoholism is only one term to describe a way of being; it’s an all-encompassing way to merge a plethora of problems into a single word.
Alcoholism is a word that can be understood. It’s a way to explain the pain without detailing the ways in which it hurts.
I don’t blame the drinking. The drinking is a disguise. The drinking is used as an avoidance tool and has sucked you right out of your life. It’s almost impossible for you to feel pleasure without it because you won’t let yourself endure the pain first.
I longed for a partnership in every sense of the word but I’m still waiting for it.
I know we signed a contract. We talk about that often. But we also made promises to each other – to love, comfort and honour each other, in sickness and in health, for as long as we both shall live.
Our marriage was intended to join us for life in an intimate and loving relationship. But, such a relationship requires sharing, talking together, listening to each other and encouraging the growth of our strengths as individuals as well as the strength of our partnership. Real love is about looking outward in the same direction together.
I admit there is a mutual love and respect between us. You are a phenomenal provider for your family and a fiercely loyal husband. You take care of your responsibilities, your chores, your obligations. But so much is still missing.
You had an outward direction for your life. It was important for you to be a provider and to ensure the financial stability of your family. You’ve stayed the course and met your goals. You’ve done an excellent job and I’m very proud of you.
But you never wanted to look in my direction. I had dreams and goals too. I wanted to get a degree. I wanted to have a family. I wanted to be a mom.
You wouldn’t engage in conversations with me about trying to make any of my dreams a reality. You wouldn’t engage at all; instead you pulled away.
We’ve been married almost 10 years. I’ve tried to touch you and become intimate but you don’t want to kiss me, you don’t want to touch me. Instead, you walk away. This is your way of ensuring I will never be a mom. I’ve given up on that dream. It’s a silent punishment I endure every day.
How can you tell someone you love them and deny them physical intimacy? How can you tell someone you love them and deny them conversation? How can you tell someone you love them and deny them company and companionship? How can you tell someone you love them and not ask them about their life? How can you tell someone you love them and not encourage them to follow their dreams? How can you tell someone you love them and crack the next beer? How can you tell someone you love them if you don’t want to be with them? Is it love to just want someone around but not want to be present in their life and their experiences?
“I love you” are just three meaningless words. But to give love is to give yourself wholeheartedly.
But you’re gone. I don’t feel your presence. I don’t feel your enthusiasm. I don’t feel your love. I only feel your duty and your obligation.
I want to feel passion. I want to experience joy. I want to share the glory of life with others. Life is beautiful and, as we both know, very, very short.
I stand on the edge of the unknown, willing to jump holding someone else’s hand – so long as we do it together.
But you’ve retreated and now I stand alone.
Why are you just hearing about this now? You’re not. It’s all been said before.
I don’t know where to go from here. I think a lot will be dependent on you and how far you’re willing to go, how high you want to climb.
What I do know though, is that this isn’t something that is going to “pass.” It needs to be addressed, not ignored, and it’s going to take a lot of work. And, in all honesty, I don’t think this is work that we can do in the presence of each other, living under the same roof.
We need to start over. I feel neglected and ignored. I feel disrespected and undervalued. I am angry. I am hurt.
I’m not even really sure who you are anymore. And I don’t think you know either. There’s a lot of pain and hurt and fear in you and while I’m willing to support you every step of the way if outward and upward are the directions you want to go, I cannot stand idle and exist, suspended in time, in a place that isn’t fulfilling, that isn’t uplifting. I don’t want to feel suffocated anymore.
It’s time to decide if we’re going to travel in the same direction.