I’ve been spiraling down the rabbit hole for about five months now and I can’t do it any longer.
There are only two options at this point. I either continue going down, which will result in complete self-destruction or, I get the hell out.
I’m gonna ditch this hole.
I’ve started to see the separation so clearly – it’s happening all the time, day and night. With every turn of my head my mind goes to the dark side. But, at the same time, there’s this knowing in me, coursing deep within my veins, that says, “This isn’t right, man. This isn’t who you are.”
My mind and body are fierce defenders of this black alley. And I don’t really understand why they want to be there. But, God knows, I don’t want to be there – not anymore. It’s do or die time, literally.
I’m linking my chains together, one by one, and eventually the strong chain of light will be long enough to haul my ass out of this pit. I’m looking one way only…that’s up and out.
I can so ably see and catch the spin to negativity but I know I’m pretty darn weak right now. I don’t have the strength to just jump out. So, I’m starting slow.
Today, when I caught every drop in mood, I identified it as the thing I don’t want. Then, I just kept saying what I do want – that I want to feel good. I want to feel good. And then when my mind would say, “Yeah, nice try, but you don’t feel good.”, I just spoke louder – I WANT TO FEEL GOOD.
If all I’m doing is looking towards what I do want then the momentum will build, over time I will become strong, and eventually the rabbit hole will be a barely memorable thing of the past.
I like rabbits. But they can have their hole back.
I’m a fighter. I always have been. Life has thrown me a lot of curve balls but I’m tenacious and persistent. I always seem to pick myself up and carry on.
I always thought my fight and ferocity were admirable qualities.
I wonder now though if the fight in me is the very thing that is holding me back, preventing me from realizing peace and freedom.
One step forward, two steps back. That’s what it feels like every single day.
I don’t know who I am or what I am doing anymore.
I feel like I’m making progress and then something happens that shows me just how broken I truly am. I realize just how many barriers I still have erected.
I talk about surrender but wonder if I’ve really surrendered anything at all.
If everything is just one fight after another, is that what I’m subconsciously seeking? Have I identified with the fighter and made that into me and so continually seek the next battle I can win?
I’ve never known rest.
Perhaps I must retire my fighting weapons now…
…I’m not sure I have any idea how to do that…
Entertain – to admit into the mind; consider.
“entertain.” Dictionary.com Unabridged. Random House, Inc. 24 Apr. 2015. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/entertain>.
You have to fight like hell to be well. But hanging on to an eating disorder is also a constant battle. The only difference is that one of the fights will eventually end with victory; the other will never be won.
You have to at least entertain the idea that winning is possible. You don’t have to know how or when, just don’t ever cross off winning as an option.