A Different Question

Ask not for healing but for right perception.

That seems quite logical. Ask not for change of a shitty situation but only right perception of it. The more I seem to look at my “problems”, I can’t seem to find an alternative situation that would make it “better.” Only different problems surface.

I think of my eating disordered mind that is still harboring old thought patterns. No change in food consumption, hair style, exercise regime, etc. will solve any of these things if my perception of myself continues to be skewed.

I’m not sure where right perception comes from though. Does it just dawn on me? I can’t go searching for it anymore because every perceived answer I come up with seems to be wrong.

Simply ask and wait?

Cause and Effect

I believed I had a great purpose but then set about to accomplish God’s work through my own means. I doubted His ability for fear that the result would be failure and mediocrity.

But how could mediocrity arise from Greatness?

I didn’t trust Him to harvest the seed He planted. He sat patiently though while I relentlessly worked infertile soil.

I once thought I’d done okay  with the little seed He planted but now I see there’s been no growth at all. His precious seed remains untouched and still a little seed.

I’m ready now. I no longer want to do the work I was never intended to do.

I hang up my hat. And I do so not with a heart of sacrifice and failure but with a knowing now that I am the seed to be grown into splendor and not the farmer who will make this happen.

I trust the Great Farmer. I am the effortless Effect of His Great Cause.


The Faith of the Faulty Gatekeeper

The undercurrent is strong.

These thoughts, they trickle in quietly through the flood gates. Once enough waters have seeped by, the current rages forcefully. I’m drowning before I’ve realized what’s happened.

I’m learning though, albeit slowly, to be a better gatekeeper. I’m in training.

I couldn’t stop it last night but in the midst of being forced down by the floods, I shone light on the darkness and remained calm.

You may not think so, but it’s progress to be able to look at your reflection in the water of a toilet basin that is half-filled with your own vomit and tell yourself that you’re loved and worthy. With every heave, I reminded myself that I am filled with the holy spirit.

Indeed, the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.

I tell you, I’m not done asking. I am earnestly seeking. And the door will be opened.

I know not when, but I know it will.




Walking in Faith

I have no choice right now. In spite of all of this, I continue to exist and I continue to walk. But I’m scared.

I didn’t expect the anger and hate. I expected apologies, remorse, a desire to change. But no, I stand here now feeling like the one who has done wrong. Have I?

I struggle to see the justice in what I have done…am I the villain?

He doesn’t know why I left. He feels blindsided.

I try earnestly to put myself in his shoes. I know the trauma of being left suddenly, especially by the one person who was your security. But I was eight when it happened to me. He’s 44. Did he really have no idea?

I’m in panic mode. I don’t feel like we’ll meet at a point of convergence. My security is gone now too but it was my choice this time. I’m scared as hell.

The strange thing is that about a year before we were married (about 11 years ago) we had split up. I was dating someone else and I had an encounter one evening. While out on a date with the other guy a feeling so loud and so clear came over me to return to my (now) husband. In that moment I ached to be with him. I followed that voice and returned, knowing with all my heart that we should be together, that I should be with him. We married about a year later and never looked back.

Until now that is when, six months ago, I had the same loud and clear feeling but this time it said, “Go.” And I did.

I have had no instruction since. The first three or so months after leaving felt so right. The last three months have been hell – and getting worse.

I pray to hear direction again.

I am so blind and do not see…

Knock, knock…

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.” – Matthew 7:7

I asked, sought, and knocked for 20 years. There’s no way God’s plan for me included being defeated by an eating disorder.

I liken myself to the Israelites wandering the wilderness for 40 years. I wandered blind for most of my 20 year ordeal – flailing, searching, falling – but never did I think that recovery was an impossibility.

Finally, the door opened.