Vibrations from My Heart

Every goal has a very specific vibration that resonates within my heart and it feels very good. The good feeling is what makes it a goal for me.

The goal is recovery. Recovery feels good. Being sick feels bad. Being healthy feels good. Being healthy means feeling vibrant and energetic. Being healthy means I can concentrate on doing things I love. Being healthy means knowing what I love to do. Being healthy means clarity of mind. Being healthy means I am happy and can smile. Being happy means feeling my smile and feeling its beauty. Being healthy means taking care of myself. Being healthy means knowing how to take care of myself. Being healthy means learning. Learning feels good. I like to learn. Being healthy means making meals that I enjoy. Being healthy means trying new things to find what I enjoy. It means loving what I enjoy. When I feel joy in heart I am vibrating at the same frequency of my own heart. When I feel pain, I remember that I love to learn and I learn from my pain because to learn is to be healthy. I love the feeling of health. Being healthy means feeling love in my heart for myself. Being healthy means knowing what makes my heart feel love. And when I am unsure I know I can love my unknowing because it is an opportunity to learn. And I love to learn. Being healthy means knowing I can learn. How fun would the process of learning be if I knew everything already? I love not knowing so I can learn to know. I love that the more I love the healthier I become. I love recovery because it beats the drum of wellness. I beat the drum of health in every way I can. When I succumb to an urge that doesn’t feel good I say, “I love you pain. Tell me where it hurts.” Being healthy means trusting myself and the process. Recovery is my goal and love is its beat. In everything, in every thought, I seek the beat of wellness. Being sad means my heart needs something. Maybe just a hug. Maybe it needs some food. The beat of wellness is care and compassion. And when I don’t fee care and compassion, I don’t hate myself. I send love. Even if I don’t know how to love I say, “I love you anyway.” Being healthy means trusting the seed that is within – the tiny one that planted the goal of recovery. I don’t need to make recovery happen – the goal is already achieved. Just beat the drum of what being healthy means to me. I watched TV for five straight minutes. That takes concentration. I rock! I read one page of a book that interests me. That beat feels so good! I did ten whole jumping jacks for no other reason than to feel the beating of my heart. I love that feeling of energy. See! It is in me! I was tired and so I slept the whole afternoon. I am so grateful for the rest and for honoring myself in such a magnificent way. Being healthy means rest and restoration. Today I looked myself in the eye for just one second. That was so brave! Being healthy means having courage. Look how courageous I am! Today I couldn’t look myself in the eye. I was too afraid. I felt too much shame. Being healthy means allowing myself to feel even fear and shame. That’s courageous too! Being healthy means being aware of myself. Look how aware I am, to see my own fear yet love it anyway. Fear has a powerful message that I can learn from. And I love learning. Being healthy feels so good and every time I dip a toe into the waters of self love, the waters ripple outward getting bigger and bigger as they go. It takes time to acclimatize to the feeling of a new vibration. I love that too, getting to experience the range and change of feeling. Find ways in every circumstance to find love. In perceived sickness and in perceived health, there is a wealth of truth and love and knowledge. Trust in the wisdom and experience of those who already walked a similar path. And remember, every time you fall is an opportunity to learn, to reach out your hand and to discover you are not alone. There is so much strength and collective power in a group of people who want to be well. Beat that drum! And when we all beat that same drum of wellness, the power of it is unstoppable.

Bless our courageous and loving hearts!

A Shift

It was not the weekend I had expected it to be. Great emotion was released.

It came at a time when I was required to practice and send healing to someone else. I was required to give.

The deep inadequacy and unworthiness rooted in my core burst forward. Tears and anger and fear and doubt, they sprung forth from behind my hiding eyes.

I could not participate in the practice exercises for the remainder of the day and, while I wanted to leave, I remained, sitting alone in focused meditation on the presence of my Higher Awareness.

I have not experienced such internal discomfort ever.

By the end of the day, however, my anger at the person who had drawn this out of me had subsided. The dark whole had been flooded instead with gratitude for the space that had been opened.

My cleverly disguised saboteur had been identified – and she still stands close by waiting to sneak in where she sees distraction.

But I see her now. She and I, we can do this dance for as long as she needs but, in the end, the tireless presence of Love will seep into every dark spot and light the way.

I am where I am meant to be and I am not going anywhere.

I am being led in a very specific direction right now and though the obstacles are unlike any other, they are not greater than my knowing that this path I blaze now is  The One.

 

Interview with Myself – #1

Q: How are you doing?

A: Not so good.

Q: Why not? What’s going on?

A: I feel lost and confused. I can’t control this thing that’s happening inside me. I feel like there’s this separate entity that I’m fighting. I don’t understand why this is happening to me.

Q: Is the entity really separate?

A: Yes, and no. It doesn’t feel like it’s truly me but it’s not really outside of me. It’s me but it’s not me. I mean, if it’s me but I don’t want to feel like this, then why would I do this to myself? Why would someone do this to themselves? If it’s not me, then who is it? There’s no one else here so it must be me. I can’t stand it. I want to crawl out of myself.

Q: Do you feel like you’re at fault?

A: Yes! I should be able to control myself. Why can’t I control it?

Q: Control what?

A: These feelings…

Q: What feelings? What do you feel?

[pause]

A: I feel nothing and everything. I feel anger,

Q: Anger?

A: Yes!

Q: At what or who?

A: At myself.

Q: Why?

A: Because of what I am.

Q: What are you?

A: Wrong. Gross. Inadequate. Empty. Different. Displaced. I don’t belong here. I don’t belong there. I can’t decide what’s right. I can’t decide what’s wrong. I can’t decide. I don’t understand who I am. I should be able to figure this out. Why can’t I figure this out?

Q: What are you trying to figure out?

A: Everything! I don’t understand why I don’t feel like I belong…anywhere. I’m out of place. I try this, I try that. I do this, I do that. I don’t feel any connection. I am without purpose.

Q: Do you need a purpose?

A: I feel like there’s a reason for me. But it continuously evades me. Deep, deep, deep down I feel like I am meant to do something but I don’t feel like me doing what I’m doing now. I feel like I’m anything but me. Everything feels wrong. I don’t belong here.

Q: Don’t belong where?

A: Here, right now. Here on earth. Here in this world. It’s so hard, it’s so tiring. I go to work and try to find joy and excitement. I try to put forth the effort. Drive harder! Push more! Climb and be! Those are the messages I get but that’s not what I want and so I don’t belong. I feel condemned for not ‘bettering’ myself. And I feel on the outside again. And then I feel like since we have control over our thoughts that if I could just think different thoughts and not let myself think that I’m on the outside then I shouldn’t be. But that doesn’t work either. I still feel like I’m not in the right place. But if not here, then where? I’m trying so hard to be of a world where I truly don’t belong. But then what am I to do? There’s no place for the likes of me in this world and that’s what happens to people like me – we get banished. It’s the folks living in squalor and who are homeless, just tossed aside because the world doesn’t know what to do with them. I want to quit my job but then how I do I survive? I can’t. And then so what do I do then? I follow my heart to leave a job that is so heart-wrenchingly wrong and then I get reprimanded. How could I be so irresponsible? You can’t just quit your job! How do you plan to survive? You’ve got to have a plan and set goals and plan and try and effort! But I don’t have any answers to what I’m supposed to do next. All I know is that I’m not where I need to be. But the world doesn’t support someone who up and quits a decent job. How could you? How could you leave a job with benefits and pension? You need to put in your time just like everyone else! Damn it! It doesn’t feel right to me. But I don’t know what I’m supposed to do! I don’t know what to do! And so I just try to keep going in a world where I don’t belong. But I just know I’m meant for more but if I am then why hasn’t the “what” come to me? I’m not allowing it. I’m resisting. And there I go doing something wrong again. And then I feel bad because maybe I’m not being grateful enough and if I would just be grateful then the whole world would become better for me. How can anything be wrong when you’re grateful? And then I’m at fault again. I’m wrong. It’s always me. I am wrong. I am wrong. I am wrong.

[silence]

Q: Tell me about your eating disorder.

A: Sigh. I’ve relapsed.

Q: How do you feel about that?

A: Disappointed.

Q: Why do you think you relapsed?

A: Because it never really went away.

Q: What do you mean?

A: I don’t know.

Q: When did it start again?

A: January.

Q: You’ve reached out for help again and may be able to get back into a program.

A: Yes.

Q: How do you feel?

A: Grateful that someone is still willing to help me.

Q: Are you afraid?

A: Yes.

Q: Why?

A: It’s different this time.

Q: What’s different?

A: Me.

Q: Why?

[silence]

Q: It’s been suggested that mood, yours in particular, has a lot to do with behavior and that your mood is very low again. You stopped taking your medication in June and by November (and probably sooner) things were starting to go downhill again. Do you think your mood is a problem?

A: Yes. I think I make very different choices and have very different ideas when my mood is low.

Q: Your medication had a profound effect on your first episode of recovery from the eating disorder. Why did you stop?

A: Yes, I remember. For me, I remember changing my food/eating habits but still not being able to stop the binging and purging and then once I started the meds it’s like everything changed and I could control my choices. Before the meds I felt like everything was effort and once the meds kicked in I felt like I was in control of the choices. Things were still hard but it was like I had this magical ability to choose. I was such an advocate of the meds! I never thought I would be since I was so anti-medication but the change was like a switch was turned on (or off – whichever way you want to look at it) and the voice that was truly me could be heard again – I was in control. It felt instantaneous and the struggles were no longer uncontrollable but completely within my control. Choice was something I could make.

I stopped the meds because I was introduced to an idea that medication is not necessary, we are in complete control of our own reality. We can transcend anything with enough focus. All we need is focus. We are vibrational beings and that, with enough focus, I could raise my vibrational frequency and transcend to another plane of understanding and existence.

The problem here is two-fold.

First, I was introduced to this concept but misunderstood it entirely. And secondly, the concept as a whole still resonates deeply with me and I fear that in order to be helped I must give up what feels true to me and submit to the current modalities of treatment for my depression and eating disorder.

Q: Why do you think you misunderstood?

A: All I heard was “high” frequency and “low” frequency. High equates to good and low equates to bad. I found the element of separation, the way I always seem to do, that said I was less than and had something to achieve. I thought I was less than the person who introduced me to this idea of vibrational frequencies because he was vibrating at a very high frequency. Sadly, this person was not willing to entertain my mind of questions and thoughts and analysis in order to try and help me reason and figure this all out. I was quashed at every angle and just told to breathe and focus.

Q: How did that make you feel?

A: Dismissed.

Q: Who was this person?

A: I don’t know.

Q: What do you mean, “You don’t know.”?

A: In form he was my yoga teacher. In thought, I don’t know or understand the reason he came into my life. At times I hate him and wish I’d never, ever, ever met him. Part of me feels like he’s pure evil and part of me feels like he’s pure love. Part of me wonders if the things I encountered through him were even real, factual events. He and the circumstances of our encounters have had a profound effect on me but I find it very difficult to describe.  It’s surreal. I do feel like I had an awakening of some sort but can’t explain that further. I feel like I was completely blind before and when I had the awakening I was given a glimpse of something far beyond what I knew. But the vision has not been fully realized so I feel like I’m looking out with fuzzy eyes that can’t see anything but a blur and it’s driving me insane, this inability to see.

[silence]

Q: There’s unresolved energy here.

A: Yes.

Q: Do you know how to resolve it?

A: No. I have no answers. It just is and I hate how painful it is.

Q: Do you think this situation has anything to do with your low mood?

A: Not everything but something. I’m not sure I’ll ever understand it but I want to be free from it.

Q: Is it possible?

A: All things are possible.

Q: Do you believe that?

A: Yes. To the core my being.

Q: Then why do you feel so fearful and frustrated?

A: I’m wanting revelation.

Q: What if it doesn’t come?

A: It will.

Q: Then why do you feel so fearful and frustrated?

A: I’m afraid it won’t come. I’ll be wrong and crazy.

Q: So you have doubt?

[silence]

A: I don’t think I doubt so much as I’m impatient. Isn’t 40 years of pain enough time to wait?

Q: Who decides how long?

A: I know.

[silence]

A: I need to take a break.

 

What if?

What if all the inhabitants of the world had no eyes? What if we were all blind – right from the beginning – born that way?

Maybe that was the original plan and sight was the punishment for eating the forbidden fruit of Eden…actually, as I think about this, I do believe the bible states that God forewarned that if Adam and Eve ate of the forbidden fruit, their eyes would be opened.

Yes, it’s true. If we could not see, we would not know. What a different world we’d be living in today!

Sight. It is a worldly blessing but an inner curse.

With eyes in my world, I see beauty. I see love and joy. I see smiles spread across the faces of others. I see happiness and abundance. I see courage and strength and determination. I see charm and grace. I see it all.

I also see pain. I see hurt. I see poverty and desperation and loneliness. I see torment and misery. I see collapse. I see time. I see fear. Yes, I see it all.

But my eyes are in my head and so I simply turn away. I cannot see the ignorance in such a simple action.

But now I do. I’ve closed my eyes. I don’t want to see any longer. I only want to feel.

You can take away everything concrete and identified in human form but the existence of soul and spirit live on. I do not need to see the evidence of this – I can feel it. It’s real.

Slowly – very, very slowly – I am beginning to see with my heart. And the depth of what I feel is more profound and beautiful than anything I could physically put my hands on.

I am breath and life within – we all are. In everything we do, regardless of what physical plane we’re on, we are all the same.

I was blind but now I see.

My Moose

Whenever I drive up north, which is usually only once per year in the mid summer, I’m always on the lookout for moose. I never see one but I keep my eyes peeled with eager expectation.

I’m in awe of the moose.

It’s funny how life works. It’s beautiful, really, once you stop and open your heart to it. Amazing things begin to happen; signs become visible to the eyes and ears that were once hardened and transformation takes place.

Two weeks ago, on the very first day that I moved out, I was sitting in my newly acquired hotel room in silence. Just me. No noise. The sun was shining. I felt vibrant, I needed to go. I needed to get out.

I decided, because I had just let go of all responsibility and had no time constraints guiding my day, to drive three hours north to visit a friend. I love driving on my own. I rolled the windows down, put on beautiful music and let the energy be my guide.

I spent a few hours with my friend before I had to hit the road to travel home again but it was a beautiful afternoon filled with an abundance of beautiful spirit and energy.

I got in my car and headed south. I wasn’t in the car more than five minutes when I turned my head to the left to a swampy marsh at the side of the road.

And there he stood. MY MOOSE!

I slammed on my brakes, parked my car on the side of a desolate road, and stood in peace watching my beautiful moose.

He was a sign. Why now? Why after all this time has my moose come walking into my life? Coincidence? No, it’s too amazing! It was the most spectacular moment and I am blessed to have bared witness to this majestic creature.

I had dinner with a dear friend last night who suggested I look up what it means to have a moose cross my path. How is this spirit animal guiding me? This was a new concept for me, I hadn’t considered “spirit animals” before.

What I found is so beautiful and special to me! This is what I found from here:

If Moose has come passing through your life:

Know and understand that you – and only you – have the authority to make your own choices in life. You do not need to feel ashamed or pressured in any way by your friends and peers in that what you choose is different from them. Stand strong and proud and own who you are! Your individuality is your strength.

If Moose is your Animal Totem:

Your strength is in knowing exactly who you are. You have integrity and always stay true to yourself in decisions and life choices. Friends and peers look up to your knowledge and innate wisdom. You see life for what it is – a long journey with short stops to enjoy the spoils along the way. You move through life with pride and authority.

Yes. Given the whirlwind of events that I’ve been caught up in of late, I believe I have confirmation that I am headed in my right direction.

Alive after five…

I experienced a world unlike any other tonight. The world lives and breathes after 5:00 p.m. It’s fucking brilliant!!!!!!!!!!

I took a long walk tonight down by the lake. There is activity and vibrancy outside of the confines of the suffocating suburbs. It’s beautiful! I found life and breath. I saw where others find peace and solace.

I am without company yet I am not alone.

The energy of form and life flow uninhibited. I am a part of it.