I Am Good

I am not who I think I am. Who am I then?

The profundity of this question is astounding and bewildering.

I’ve been contemplating this question for a year now, over and over and over. I read the words but I haven’t been able to feel the comprehension of what it means to not be who I thought I was.

Yet, I now know what I am not. I still don’t fully know who I am though. I’m told I am Love but I’m not sure my mind can reconcile what that truly means.

Almost two weeks ago I was sitting in my psychologists office sobbing in inexplicable and inexpressible pain. We were nearing the end of our session and she asked that even though I couldn’t do anything about my depression right at that moment in time, could I just let it be that and just deal with the things that needed to be done, despite any of the turbulent emotions I was dealing with? As she asked me this, she made a hand gesture implying the separation of ‘this’ person that feels and ‘that’ person that does. The feeling person would sit over ‘there’ and just be and the doing person would just do what needed to be done to get through one minute of each day.

In that instant of her hand gesture, I understood.

She continued speaking and I retreated into the background to process. I was still hearing her but I had stepped back. I just sat there, chest heaving, tears streaming, knowing that our session would be over in a couple of minutes and there would be no miraculous solution. She would continue her day and see other clients and I would need to leave, still in pain. The pain and torment would still be there…but so would ‘I’ and I just knew (and know) the pain and torment are separate. They are not who I am. I am not my body and I am not my mind and I am not my thoughts or feelings or emotions.

Fast forward about a week.

I just spent this past long weekend in ever-increasing turbulent emotion, committing egregious acts of self-abuse all the while mulling over and meditating on the notion that, again, I am neither my body nor my mind, and praying for revelation and understanding and for the peace of God to flood my being.

At this moment in time I’m certainly not a buoyant orb of angelic light that has transcended any sort of human dimension but I began reading Wayne Dyer’s book, There’s a Spiritual Solution to Every Problem, and I did get a sort of revelation.

I’ve been living separated from God.

Wayne states in his book, “Actions and thoughts, which you might call evil, are the result of the error that is made when you believe you are separate from God…Evil exists first as a thought of non-good or non-God…”

It makes me think of Adam and Eve and how they ate from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. Their eyes were opened to the idea of good and bad and hence, once they focused on two powers, they lost sight of the One and Only Power and thus became separated. Separated only by the inaccurate thoughts of man.

Wayne goes on to say that, “All else that is not good is your mind at work creating the illusions of problems.”

I’m starting to see how my thoughts and judgments keep me trapped in a perpetual and exhausting loop of success and failure.

But truly, I am neither the success nor the failure. I am only the Source of Love that is in me.

It’s the greatest commandment, Love. But what Wayne said next in his book really helped me understand this. He said that God is not an Overcoming Power.

What? When I first read that I was like, “Hey, if that’s the case then I am SCREWED!”

Wayne explains, though, by saying, “There is only one power and that is the power of God or spirit…the power of God is not an overcoming power..since it is the only power there is. There is no secondary power for it to subdue….When you embrace this idea of one power, all other forms of power whether material or mental dissolve.”

These words are resonating with me.

I’ve not binged and purged in two whole days.

Yet when the urges rage I remind myself that if I continue to think of myself as non-good (non-God) then I will always keep myself separate from God.

God is omnipresent and as Wayne reminds, “Nothing of an evil nature has ever touched God.”

I am a temple of God. I am good.

Disconnected

Words cannot express how lost and displaced I am feeling right now.

The irritability sits at the forefront of my heart and I’m fearful when I feel it stir.

I belong absolutely nowhere right now.

The pain of disconnection is indescribable.

I have never, in all my life, felt a sense of belonging, yet I feel like there is a place for me. But I’m still searching.

I’m caught in between.

I left and that no longer feels good. But to be back where I came from hurts just as much.

I was there just this morning and when he wrapped his arms around me I felt more alone than ever.

His embrace of my body felt more like a proclaiming of object than of a place of rest.

It hurts. I hurt so badly right now.

I try to separate ego and Self. I cannot do it. There is a part of my inner being that says feeling plays a part, that feeling is human. The disconnection from Love is where I’m lost.

Inconsolable almost.

Will I ever find the connection that the inner-most being of me longs for?

I can only flounder blindly and with fervent faith, gripping with the tips of my fingers and praying with all my might, that He is putting me back together and not letting me fall completely.

 

Trying Too Hard

I’ve been trying to escape the ego through self-denial.

A lesson learned the hard way; it can’t be done.

Self-denial led to failure which led to self-condemnation, self-judgement, self-criticism, self-hate.

It was the ego’s elusive plan to keep itself alive through righteous determination and exhaustive perseverance.

But I am only human. The ego will always reside within me.

And here my judgmental ways re-surface. I’ve judged the ego, labelled it the villain and I the victim.

But the ego is neither good nor bad.

It is, just as I am.

Fear Not

I attended a conference today. It was on something of personal interest to me so it was my choice to attend. I was under no obligation to go.

Yet, in true form, my anxiety level was high today. Normally I would attend such an event with others but today I was going it alone.

I drove in silence pondering the anxiety arising within. Why do I get so anxious and nervous? Why am I so afraid? Well, I’m afraid of judgement, of being judged.

And then it dawned on me. My fear of judgement is essentially an unfair judgement, on my part, of others and the world at large. I’m already making judgments that others will judge me and hate me and be mean to me.

Fear is not a sad and helpless state at all. It’s mean, really mean. Fear is self-directed hate. And if the hate is rooted inside then it’s really no wonder that the manifestations in my world come in the form of hate and judgement.

I’m living and acting and behaving in ways that align with a fundamental belief that I am no good, that I am somehow, in some way, a separate entity that needs to defend her place in this world. Yet nothing could be further from the truth if I’m viewing the world through the lens of true love.

Fear exists only to serve the desires of the ego. Does fear exist in love? No, it can’t. It can only exist in the absence of love.

It certainly is in my programming to view the world as a scary and dangerous place, void of love. But, if God is love and God is omnipresent, then wouldn’t it stand to reason that love is in me and I am love as well?

As the Bible says in Isaiah 41:10, “Fear not, for I am with you.”

Ubiquitous Love – Part 2

Yes, love is everywhere! There’s deep truth in that – but it’s a hard concept to understand. It’s especially hard to understand when the Universe has given me a most profound experience of unconditional love…but it won’t let me have it consistently. At least not in the way that I want it – in human form.

I crave it! I can’t stop thinking about it. I want more.

Then I ask the question, “What is it that I want more of?” Well, love of course! But then it dawns on me – the Universe is already providing it, I’ve just not been aware. I’ve only been seeing it in one form and in doing so I’m missing all the other forms of love that are all around.

Epiphany!

God, the Universe, is providing all that I need and desire, it just doesn’t always come in the way I am expecting. I’m filled with light and love but my mind has been so focused on the only experience I’ve “physically” had and seen. I’ve failed to see the rest of it. Now I must be open, open to possibility.

I’m then reminded of the movie, What The Bleep Do We Know? and I give thought to the Quantum Superposition. In basic terms for my simple mind (my mind that is as far from a scientific mind as one could get) there is a wave of possibilities spread out before us, all completely possible, yet the minute we zone in on one possibility, it snaps into one position – we focus on the tip of the iceberg above the water instead of the vastness below it. The teeny, tiny tip becomes our reality and we miss the mass of amazement that lies beneath, beyond.

I’ve changed the name of my experience. The one experience no longer has a person’s name. I’ve disassociated his name from the name of love. I’ve wanted him as my form of love and have thought it was the only way there was because he is the only physical experience I’ve had of that unconditional beautiful love.

When I focus on love now, I no longer name it “him.” He is only one possibility of love. I name my desire love and focus on love – not “him” – he is not THE love, he is a form of love that fills only a specific want and human desire. Love is everywhere – in light, in warmth, in silence, in company. The Universe is already giving me love in a million different forms. I just need to open my heart and freely receive that which already is.

I have first loved what I could see. But I had to let it go – and now I can accept all of the love that I cannot see. It’s there and is infinitely in me!

I am love!

Prison Break

How does someone escape from prison? If you don’t want to learn how, the easiest thing to do is not go there in the first place. Too bad we’re already all there.

Some people don’t even know they’re there. Some people do know but don’t understand how to escape. While some do a continuous dance back and forth between the prison and the palace.

And for those doing the dance, they know. They know the secret. And the secret is is that there are no bars on the cells of confinement – all that is needed to escape is to walk out of the darkness and into the light. Just step out of prison. The door is open.

Consciousness is light. But our ego is the darkness and it will defend itself to remain shrouded in the emptiness of self.

Good ol’ Eckhart comes through again just as I, myself, am trying to come to terms with this:

The force behind the ego’s wanting creates ‘enemies’, that is to say, reaction in the form of an opposing force equal in intensity. The stronger the ego, the stronger the sense of separateness between people.

My ego is huge. But recognition of my folly is the first step over the invisible barrier towards consciousness.