Breaking the Pain Barrier

My husband is angry that I left him.

I told him that I understand his anger and that’s he’s probably thinking, “Fuck her! She left me, it’s her fault. Why should I have to do anything (quit drinking, get help, etc.)?”

A sly yet agreeing smile turned up the corners of his mouth. I suggested that he should say it out loud, that it might feel good for him. He wouldn’t do it though. His reason being that he has too much respect for me.

Really?

I wanted to scream and get nasty. Respect? Does the word respect come into play at all when ignoring your wife’s tears and pleas for 20 years? I bit my tongue though because I know that anger begets anger and that it serves no purpose for me to win a position. I’m not trying to be right, there is no personal right. I mean, to him, he’s just as right as I might think I am. So really, who is right?

All I know is that I was living in a situation that I couldn’t stand to live in, or with, any longer so I removed myself from it. He, too, is also in a situation that he can do something about and just because he’s not doing what I hoped he would do doesn’t make him wrong. We’re at an impasse.

However, when I think about the amount of time that we’ve been apart now, I start to wonder what the hell I’m doing. Perhaps I should go back so we can work on things. I mean, after all, I do love him. But I can’t.

Do I really want to return to the comfortable and familiar pain of old? Just because I’m feeling discomfort right now doesn’t mean I should go back. I need to hold right now, endure.

What I have learned over the past several months is that pain is not always an indication that something is wrong. I think we fear pain too easily and so retreat, and in doing so we often miss the potential for the transmutation of old into new. I think when pain is at its highest is when the potential for change is at it’s greatest.

So, I’m not going back. I will sit amidst this new discomfort, thank you very much, and welcome the pain and wait patiently for the barrier to break and the metamorphosis to occur.

Lost

I got lost for a while. Real lost!

I don’t even know how it happened and didn’t realize quite how lost I was until I was alone again.

These past few months have seen some crazy shit come and go. I went from being an almost-40, married female to being an almost-40, separated female who, for the first time ever in her life, is doing absolutely everything on her own. But then I made a new friend and I allowed myself to get lost in that friendship. And I probably would have let it keep going but I got dropped. I still don’t understand it completely but here I am alone again, without friend whom I thought was more of a friend than apparently was, and trying to figure out who the hell I am, why I’m doing the things I’m doing, and how I’m going to keep moving forward.

This friendship I speak of has had a profound impact on my life but, in hindsight, my fertile mind took ideas that I loved and that resonated deeply with me, and turned them all into rules, rules that I believed only someone else knew how to act in accordance with. Every decision I was about to make I found myself checking in to make sure I was making the right choice. And most often I wasn’t. I started to become the second-guessing ninny that lies deep within me, petrified of being wrong, fearful that every wrong choice I make will leave me alone.

Being dropped as a friend, quite abruptly, was really painful for me, but looking back, it’s only made me stronger.

There isn’t one other person on this planet who can make my choices for me. I really have to sink into singularity and know that deep within I have an innate ability to choose the right things for me.

And what is most clear to me now is that there are no right ways or wrong ways, only different ways. I can search for someone to tell me how to do something only to turn around and find someone else who will tell me to do it the completely opposite way. Who’s right? Well, I guess we all are so long as we are choosing with our heart and doing what feels right. But beyond that, I also have to stand behind what I choose and I know I can confidently do that when there isn’t guilt, questioning, or condemnation.

Equally important to me is understanding that the choices I make aren’t concrete. If I make a choice and then learn something more about the choice I’m making and decide I should be doing something differently, well I can damn well change my mind. I just need to be aware and present in the faculty of my own mind when I decide. I need to ask myself why I’m making a choice and why it feels right to me. I need to strip away all the external factors and voices surrounding the choice I make and if, while alone, I can still, with all my heart, know that that is the choice I want and need to make, then I will.

I cannot make sense of so much that is taking shape right now. My life feels very messy and haphazard right now. I’m up and down. I’m good and bad. I’m vibrant and energetic and then I’m exhausted and done in. But overall, I have a very concrete image of who I am and where I want to be and as long as the image is there then that is what I see and rely on when I choose the direction of every aspect of my life. Is this action in alignment with who I am? If so, then I can accept that direction. If not, then I can just as easily reject that direction and move on.

I was lost. I’m still lost. But with each day, and with repetition, practice and fierce tenacity, I become a little more me and little less lost.

Just Imagine…

Entertain – to admit into the mind; consider.
“entertain.” Dictionary.com Unabridged. Random House, Inc. 24 Apr. 2015. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/entertain>.

You have to fight like hell to be well. But hanging on to an eating disorder is also a constant battle. The only difference is that one of the fights will eventually end with victory; the other will never be won.

You have to at least entertain the idea that winning is possible. You don’t have to know how or when, just don’t ever cross off winning as an option.