Traversing Middle Ground

I haven’t binged and purged for several months but the strong desire has returned.

Why do I want to? Because my body is so uncomfortable. I want to escape the body, though I can’t ever really. What I want is to escape the thought of my body because it is so painful. I suppose I want to escape the mind that despises the pain. The mind says the pain is intolerable. And so, if I binge I can shut the mind off and escape the pain. If I didn’t purge though, the body would be in worse pain so the purging must accompany the binge. But if I didn’t allow the purging I wouldn’t allow the binge but, I would be stuck in this mind, tortured by thoughts of pain without any release in sight. What would happen without release? I’d go crazy by the mind.

So?

Is escapism the only answer? Where is the real pain – is it in the body or the mind? Who conceives of this pain? Who makes it real? Is it even real?

It feels torturous to sit and watch it, feel it – but what is the alternative but to stay trapped in a cycle of behavior for the sake of avoidance? Neither option seems rather appealing to me – to sit in the face of a pain that never seems to go away or to be prisoner of a binge/purge cycle that also never seems to go away.

Is there another way?

Pain, in any form, is undesirable. If I didn’t fear the pain so much would it be so desire-less?

Again, what IS pain? Where did it come from?

All I can do is watch and work to make no decisions either way. The minute I do, I fall to either side. For now, I balance precariously on the fulcrum and weigh nothing.

 

A Shift

It was not the weekend I had expected it to be. Great emotion was released.

It came at a time when I was required to practice and send healing to someone else. I was required to give.

The deep inadequacy and unworthiness rooted in my core burst forward. Tears and anger and fear and doubt, they sprung forth from behind my hiding eyes.

I could not participate in the practice exercises for the remainder of the day and, while I wanted to leave, I remained, sitting alone in focused meditation on the presence of my Higher Awareness.

I have not experienced such internal discomfort ever.

By the end of the day, however, my anger at the person who had drawn this out of me had subsided. The dark whole had been flooded instead with gratitude for the space that had been opened.

My cleverly disguised saboteur had been identified – and she still stands close by waiting to sneak in where she sees distraction.

But I see her now. She and I, we can do this dance for as long as she needs but, in the end, the tireless presence of Love will seep into every dark spot and light the way.

I am where I am meant to be and I am not going anywhere.

I am being led in a very specific direction right now and though the obstacles are unlike any other, they are not greater than my knowing that this path I blaze now is  The One.

 

A Voice in Darkness

Something wonderful is happening when you’re no longer looking at ‘problems’ as something painful that needs solving and instead start realizing they’re a beacon, a calling of the darkness to the light.

Within it comes a voice. “Can you see me here?”, it asks.

When the answer is yes, you see the Light and what you thought was a problem disappears from sight completely.

Subtle Lessons in Awareness

The thing with Awareness, you can’t search for it. It just finds you when you stop looking.

I used to start the music, set the timer, and begin the meditation. My eyes would close, I would open the door to my mind and, instead of welcoming in Awareness, I walked right past it into the forest of mind to find what I thought it was.

I went in search of Awareness but found madness instead.

The timer would ring signalling the end of my meditation. I’d feel frustration, sometimes more than when I’d started, at the obvious failure of my hunt.

Yet, I’ve now been taught that Awareness brings to me only what I need in any particular moment.

I didn’t think the light that I saw shining was the Great Awareness I was searching but I now know there are no levels to the magnitude of Awareness. It just is and will show itself to me when I give myself to It.

As I give, so shall I receive.

Ask and It is Given. Period.

I invite the Holy Spirit to be my guest today. No other.

I can expect the arrival of whom I invite and so, with great pleasure, I have prepared the head of the table for your arrival.

I know I have invited you before – and you’ve always come – but I didn’t recognize you. I denied you entrance.

Today I accept your presence in whatever dress you come in.

Truly, “If anyone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen.”

Today my brother has come, this I know. Without a doubt he always does. And there you are as well. It can’t be otherwise.

I invited you and you’ve promised your attendance.

Thank you for coming.

 

To Medicate or Not…

This is not the first post I’ve done regarding my decisions to make use of pharmaceuticals. It seems to be an ongoing ‘dilemma’ for me.

I don’t doubt that many people face similar questioning about whether meds are the right choice. Everyone’s situation is different though and so the question should always be directed inward – Why am I choosing this and what, or who, am I trying to protect? The answer will come in honest seeking.

For me, it appears, that at least for now, the medicating will continue.

Seek and ye shall find:

Perhaps my imperfections are meant to teach me something. I get it.

This dilemma about whether to increase my meds or not – why am I against it? What am I trying to prove? Perhaps it’s a lesson in letting go of preconceived, self-made notions of how things should be, letting go of rules and ideas around purity being obtained through my own actions, that in some way strict adherence to a list of commandments will offer me my salvation.

But how could I have been made with imperfections to begin with if Perfection itself made me? Precisely! The so-called imperfection was made Perfectly and therefore not an imperfection at all.

Ah, at first an epiphany but then more confusion comes. I can accept the depression but how do I live with it? It’s all-consuming, at its worst, and I am lost – not the ‘real’ me, of course, that’s still inside. But it’s been barricaded.

With medication the barricades are no longer concrete walls. Rather they are pesky nets of weeds, no longer impenetrable, but a nuisance nonetheless and a hindrance to joy.

The Joy is there, this I know.

If more medication could obliterate the weeds and offer a direct path to joy, why would I not take it? Because it’s Joy I want, not joy. I want Truth, not oblivion.

Why would I take a piece when I could have the whole? But could a piece of Wholeness be not whole?

Why would you allow yourself to struggle still?

Why would you enter the dark forest in search of light when you stand in it already? Or rather, why would you not step out of the dark forest and expose yourself to the light?

Do you fear the light? You don’t know it, do you? All you know is darkness so you keep yourself enveloped in its safety.

You’re afraid of what you’ll see.

But medication’s not of God.

Who says? Did God not make the mind of man that made the medication?

But depression’s not of God?

Who says? See it not of God and it’s a curse for sure!

Apart from its whole, you know not what it is. The image on the puzzle piece means nothing until it’s put in place. And the whole image can’t be seen without its pieces.

If the wholeness of God is joy, allow yourself to be the piece you were meant to be.

You’re so afraid of joy. You know not what it is.

It’s true.

Medication can’t touch me, truly. But in believing it can I keep myself in body, fearful of its demise.

Let go of your body, little mind, and find solace in My offering to you. My Joy cannot be found in your weak protection of your self. Fear not. Let go of your self and find Me.

I know not what I’ll find in Joy. It’s true – I am afraid.

I continue to see myself as separate, trying to make my piece whole, alone.

Yet a ray of light shines not at all without the sun.

I’m a defiant little ray. I’ve known darkness for so long. I have no idea how bright I could truly be in union with the sun.

Does the type of bridge I cross to freedom truly matter? I think not. All that matters is that I choose to cross it. The paths are all different but the destination is the same.

The instruction is not to devise your own path but to seek His will in all you do and He will direct your path.