I am not who I think I am. Who am I then?
The profundity of this question is astounding and bewildering.
I’ve been contemplating this question for a year now, over and over and over. I read the words but I haven’t been able to feel the comprehension of what it means to not be who I thought I was.
Yet, I now know what I am not. I still don’t fully know who I am though. I’m told I am Love but I’m not sure my mind can reconcile what that truly means.
Almost two weeks ago I was sitting in my psychologists office sobbing in inexplicable and inexpressible pain. We were nearing the end of our session and she asked that even though I couldn’t do anything about my depression right at that moment in time, could I just let it be that and just deal with the things that needed to be done, despite any of the turbulent emotions I was dealing with? As she asked me this, she made a hand gesture implying the separation of ‘this’ person that feels and ‘that’ person that does. The feeling person would sit over ‘there’ and just be and the doing person would just do what needed to be done to get through one minute of each day.
In that instant of her hand gesture, I understood.
She continued speaking and I retreated into the background to process. I was still hearing her but I had stepped back. I just sat there, chest heaving, tears streaming, knowing that our session would be over in a couple of minutes and there would be no miraculous solution. She would continue her day and see other clients and I would need to leave, still in pain. The pain and torment would still be there…but so would ‘I’ and I just knew (and know) the pain and torment are separate. They are not who I am. I am not my body and I am not my mind and I am not my thoughts or feelings or emotions.
Fast forward about a week.
I just spent this past long weekend in ever-increasing turbulent emotion, committing egregious acts of self-abuse all the while mulling over and meditating on the notion that, again, I am neither my body nor my mind, and praying for revelation and understanding and for the peace of God to flood my being.
At this moment in time I’m certainly not a buoyant orb of angelic light that has transcended any sort of human dimension but I began reading Wayne Dyer’s book, There’s a Spiritual Solution to Every Problem, and I did get a sort of revelation.
I’ve been living separated from God.
Wayne states in his book, “Actions and thoughts, which you might call evil, are the result of the error that is made when you believe you are separate from God…Evil exists first as a thought of non-good or non-God…”
It makes me think of Adam and Eve and how they ate from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. Their eyes were opened to the idea of good and bad and hence, once they focused on two powers, they lost sight of the One and Only Power and thus became separated. Separated only by the inaccurate thoughts of man.
Wayne goes on to say that, “All else that is not good is your mind at work creating the illusions of problems.”
I’m starting to see how my thoughts and judgments keep me trapped in a perpetual and exhausting loop of success and failure.
But truly, I am neither the success nor the failure. I am only the Source of Love that is in me.
It’s the greatest commandment, Love. But what Wayne said next in his book really helped me understand this. He said that God is not an Overcoming Power.
What? When I first read that I was like, “Hey, if that’s the case then I am SCREWED!”
Wayne explains, though, by saying, “There is only one power and that is the power of God or spirit…the power of God is not an overcoming power..since it is the only power there is. There is no secondary power for it to subdue….When you embrace this idea of one power, all other forms of power whether material or mental dissolve.”
These words are resonating with me.
I’ve not binged and purged in two whole days.
Yet when the urges rage I remind myself that if I continue to think of myself as non-good (non-God) then I will always keep myself separate from God.
God is omnipresent and as Wayne reminds, “Nothing of an evil nature has ever touched God.”
I am a temple of God. I am good.