I felt the words rise into my chest and up to my mouth but my lips would not allow them through. My heart began to pound.
I realized in that moment that what I termed anxiety has only been the bubbling of my Power within and my own refusal to allow its free-flowing expression.
I see the beating heart and shaking voice now, not as my anxiety, my deficiency, but my God Within rising to be released and expressed.
The practice now is to trust this uprising, this foreign power – to reacquaint myself with my Self and to trust fully in the perfect rhythm and flow of Life.
Only I can choose to allow Its expression – who am I to deny such a thing?
Tend to the soil and the plant will grow itself.
Try to care for the pain within that is caused by fear and anger rather than on the situation you think is causing it. After all, it’s the pain that hurts.
Tend to the wound, not the bandage hiding it.
I haven’t binged and purged for several months but the strong desire has returned.
Why do I want to? Because my body is so uncomfortable. I want to escape the body, though I can’t ever really. What I want is to escape the thought of my body because it is so painful. I suppose I want to escape the mind that despises the pain. The mind says the pain is intolerable. And so, if I binge I can shut the mind off and escape the pain. If I didn’t purge though, the body would be in worse pain so the purging must accompany the binge. But if I didn’t allow the purging I wouldn’t allow the binge but, I would be stuck in this mind, tortured by thoughts of pain without any release in sight. What would happen without release? I’d go crazy by the mind.
Is escapism the only answer? Where is the real pain – is it in the body or the mind? Who conceives of this pain? Who makes it real? Is it even real?
It feels torturous to sit and watch it, feel it – but what is the alternative but to stay trapped in a cycle of behavior for the sake of avoidance? Neither option seems rather appealing to me – to sit in the face of a pain that never seems to go away or to be prisoner of a binge/purge cycle that also never seems to go away.
Is there another way?
Pain, in any form, is undesirable. If I didn’t fear the pain so much would it be so desire-less?
Again, what IS pain? Where did it come from?
All I can do is watch and work to make no decisions either way. The minute I do, I fall to either side. For now, I balance precariously on the fulcrum and weigh nothing.
Every goal has a very specific vibration that resonates within my heart and it feels very good. The good feeling is what makes it a goal for me.
The goal is recovery. Recovery feels good. Being sick feels bad. Being healthy feels good. Being healthy means feeling vibrant and energetic. Being healthy means I can concentrate on doing things I love. Being healthy means knowing what I love to do. Being healthy means clarity of mind. Being healthy means I am happy and can smile. Being happy means feeling my smile and feeling its beauty. Being healthy means taking care of myself. Being healthy means knowing how to take care of myself. Being healthy means learning. Learning feels good. I like to learn. Being healthy means making meals that I enjoy. Being healthy means trying new things to find what I enjoy. It means loving what I enjoy. When I feel joy in heart I am vibrating at the same frequency of my own heart. When I feel pain, I remember that I love to learn and I learn from my pain because to learn is to be healthy. I love the feeling of health. Being healthy means feeling love in my heart for myself. Being healthy means knowing what makes my heart feel love. And when I am unsure I know I can love my unknowing because it is an opportunity to learn. And I love to learn. Being healthy means knowing I can learn. How fun would the process of learning be if I knew everything already? I love not knowing so I can learn to know. I love that the more I love the healthier I become. I love recovery because it beats the drum of wellness. I beat the drum of health in every way I can. When I succumb to an urge that doesn’t feel good I say, “I love you pain. Tell me where it hurts.” Being healthy means trusting myself and the process. Recovery is my goal and love is its beat. In everything, in every thought, I seek the beat of wellness. Being sad means my heart needs something. Maybe just a hug. Maybe it needs some food. The beat of wellness is care and compassion. And when I don’t fee care and compassion, I don’t hate myself. I send love. Even if I don’t know how to love I say, “I love you anyway.” Being healthy means trusting the seed that is within – the tiny one that planted the goal of recovery. I don’t need to make recovery happen – the goal is already achieved. Just beat the drum of what being healthy means to me. I watched TV for five straight minutes. That takes concentration. I rock! I read one page of a book that interests me. That beat feels so good! I did ten whole jumping jacks for no other reason than to feel the beating of my heart. I love that feeling of energy. See! It is in me! I was tired and so I slept the whole afternoon. I am so grateful for the rest and for honoring myself in such a magnificent way. Being healthy means rest and restoration. Today I looked myself in the eye for just one second. That was so brave! Being healthy means having courage. Look how courageous I am! Today I couldn’t look myself in the eye. I was too afraid. I felt too much shame. Being healthy means allowing myself to feel even fear and shame. That’s courageous too! Being healthy means being aware of myself. Look how aware I am, to see my own fear yet love it anyway. Fear has a powerful message that I can learn from. And I love learning. Being healthy feels so good and every time I dip a toe into the waters of self love, the waters ripple outward getting bigger and bigger as they go. It takes time to acclimatize to the feeling of a new vibration. I love that too, getting to experience the range and change of feeling. Find ways in every circumstance to find love. In perceived sickness and in perceived health, there is a wealth of truth and love and knowledge. Trust in the wisdom and experience of those who already walked a similar path. And remember, every time you fall is an opportunity to learn, to reach out your hand and to discover you are not alone. There is so much strength and collective power in a group of people who want to be well. Beat that drum! And when we all beat that same drum of wellness, the power of it is unstoppable.
Bless our courageous and loving hearts!
It was not the weekend I had expected it to be. Great emotion was released.
It came at a time when I was required to practice and send healing to someone else. I was required to give.
The deep inadequacy and unworthiness rooted in my core burst forward. Tears and anger and fear and doubt, they sprung forth from behind my hiding eyes.
I could not participate in the practice exercises for the remainder of the day and, while I wanted to leave, I remained, sitting alone in focused meditation on the presence of my Higher Awareness.
I have not experienced such internal discomfort ever.
By the end of the day, however, my anger at the person who had drawn this out of me had subsided. The dark whole had been flooded instead with gratitude for the space that had been opened.
My cleverly disguised saboteur had been identified – and she still stands close by waiting to sneak in where she sees distraction.
But I see her now. She and I, we can do this dance for as long as she needs but, in the end, the tireless presence of Love will seep into every dark spot and light the way.
I am where I am meant to be and I am not going anywhere.
I am being led in a very specific direction right now and though the obstacles are unlike any other, they are not greater than my knowing that this path I blaze now is The One.
Something wonderful is happening when you’re no longer looking at ‘problems’ as something painful that needs solving and instead start realizing they’re a beacon, a calling of the darkness to the light.
Within it comes a voice. “Can you see me here?”, it asks.
When the answer is yes, you see the Light and what you thought was a problem disappears from sight completely.
There is a woman lying naked on the floor beneath me. She cannot see who stands above her. She trembles slightly and feels someone kneel at her feet. I can sense that she is not afraid. I am honored that she is allowing me into her vulnerability. She is gracious. I lay my hand gently over her delicateness. She is cool and soft. She shivers. She does not close. She allows me to feel her still. As my hand lays gently in place, her skin starts to warm and I can feel a gentle pulse, a warm and inviting flow. She tells me through this energy that there is trust. She knows not who I am. She is so pink and pure I dare not betray the honor of her welcome. Her body trembles again and I gently place my finger on her sweetness. Another shiver transcends across her body and her legs splay every so slightly telling me it is okay. The beauty of her womanhood is glorious. It is such a pleasure to kneel here and feel her joy at the sensation of my touch. She cannot see the person that I am but she is open to my energy and tells me through her life force to continue. My finger tip, as gently and softly as it can, circles slow atop her fragility. She is like a gentle, morning dew. Her back arches and her beauty thrusts slowly closer to me. I am in awe of this moment of grace. She is not afraid but only is loving and kind and wants to feel me more. She receives me openly and knows me only as the same beauty. What she is giving to me is more precious than what I am offering her. Yet she does not seem to be aware of a difference between us. My fingers continue circling, gently, with a care I did not know was in me. She softly moans and arches more and the energy increases. She is like a small pink rose opening her petals, opening them for me, telling me that I am pure as well. She reaches pure elation under my touch, the softness in my body I did not know was there reveals itself to me. Through her open welcome receiving she has given me more than I even knew was there.