What Do I Want More Of?

I have this longing, this yearning, for a deep, passionate, connection. Yes, with God, always. But something in me knows this will be realized in human form.

Yet, I dare say I must first give what I want because in so doing, I will know I already have.

All the ways in which I want love are showing up in ways that I am judging. No, not this one. Nope, not this one either. No thanks.

But here it is. I keep asking and receiving yet won’t accept.

This is where I know I cannot withhold from anyone that which I want. Yet, to some I do not want to give – to fore-give. And this is where death to self will happen.

“If someone slaps you on the right cheek, offer the other cheek also.”

Oh boy…

The One and Only

How easily a feeling or sight caught wind of in this world can blow you down a path of dismay.

How often we accept the distress and then resist it.

Yet, there is only One power and you cannot serve two masters.

If God is Love and the omnipotent force of life, if I am out of sorts and not feeling good, who then must I be serving?

There’s no condemnation to this realization. To be aware of not feeling good is simply a loving call to return to God.

God is everywhere, in everything, at all times.

Like a sponge in a basin of water: the sponge is in the water and the water is absorbed in the sponge. I am a sponge. God is the water. At all times, I am in God and God is in me.

That is reassurance.

Be still and know that I am God.

 

A Different Question

Ask not for healing but for right perception.

That seems quite logical. Ask not for change of a shitty situation but only right perception of it. The more I seem to look at my “problems”, I can’t seem to find an alternative situation that would make it “better.” Only different problems surface.

I think of my eating disordered mind that is still harboring old thought patterns. No change in food consumption, hair style, exercise regime, etc. will solve any of these things if my perception of myself continues to be skewed.

I’m not sure where right perception comes from though. Does it just dawn on me? I can’t go searching for it anymore because every perceived answer I come up with seems to be wrong.

Simply ask and wait?

Releasing Has No End

Interestingly, being willing to release the need for certain things does not mean they are automatically released. Quite the contrary, actually. It only means that when these things surface, I must reassert my willingness to let them go.

I have become a willing participant recently in giving up the need for many of my old, ingrained behaviors and thought patterns. I initially thought that by releasing these things I was emptying the basket, hitting the delete button, removing the discomforts from my life forever. That didn’t happen.

Instead, I was bombarded by the very things I thought I’d released. I was headed for another meltdown when it suddenly dawned on me that the act of releasing isn’t a one-shot pony. Nope, it’s a continuous act of letting go.

I feel angry at my husband. The anger hasn’t disappeared but every time it surfaces, I am willing to let it go.

I get angry at my body for being so hungry. The hunger keeps coming but I keep letting it go. I eat instead. I am willing to release the need to punish myself and feel unworthy.

It’s been six weeks of constant repetition and letting go. Here it is and I let go. Here that is and I let go. Again and again and again and again and again. I am willing to release whatever it is that arises within me that makes me uncomfortable. And I’m willing to do it forever.

Surprisingly, I can vaguely feel this space opening inside me and allowing for the new to spring forth. The new scares me – tremendously. But I’ve arrived at the place where the old, the past, it scares me more.

Only by letting go of the past will I ever experience the new, the now. It’s here.

A Time to Live, A Time to Die

It’s been just a little over two years since my first blog post and I recall such a naivety within me.

I felt like I’d conquered the hardest thing I was ever going to endure and yet, here I sit, realizing that was only just the beginning.

Little did I know that it was a simultaneous ending and beginning.

That’s the funny thing I hadn’t known about creation. It’s cyclical and spiraling, not ever a closed process.

I thought my life had a beginning, a middle, and an end, that’s it. But I’ve since realized there is a beginning, a middle, and an end, and a beginning, a middle, and an end, and a beginning, a middle, and an end. I could go on but I think you get the picture.

Right now, I’m beginning again. There is no need to be frustrated, guilty, or ashamed. I am simply in the beginning stages of a new creation and laying the ground work, day by day.

I’m finally willing to let go of the past. I was caught in the last cycle, unwilling to move forward. It was terribly painful. But, now, I am willing.

It’s time to begin anew.

 

Anxiety: A Stifling of Power

I felt the words rise into my chest and up to my mouth but my lips would not allow them through. My heart began to pound.

I realized in that moment that what I termed anxiety has only been the bubbling of my Power within and my own refusal to allow its free-flowing expression.

I see the beating heart and shaking voice now, not as my anxiety, my deficiency, but my God Within rising to be released and expressed.

The practice now is to trust this uprising, this foreign power – to reacquaint myself with my Self and to trust fully in the perfect rhythm and flow of Life.

Only I can choose to allow Its expression – who am I to deny such a thing?