Bottoms Up

I thought I’d hit bottom a million times before.

The pain, intolerable, I would cry and beg and pray.

“Please!”

The tears would cease, the pain would be pushed aside to eventually be covered with new realities, and I would pull myself up by my bootstraps and carry on.

I had thought though that once I’d hit bottom it couldn’t get worse.

Yet it always would.

The pain would resurface and the cycle would begin again and a new bottom would be hollowed out. But the bottom has no limit.

There does appear to be a way to stop the fall though, to end the fight.

Surrender.

That doesn’t mean give up. It means to give over.

There truly is a Divinity, an entity far greater than I can explain or imagine. And Its coursing through the universe and has ultimate control.

The pain that exists in me is major depression, severe anxiety. Ultimately, fear.

I’ve encountered even more bottoms in the last six months of life – deep, dark holes that feel like they’re ripping me apart. The fear is palpable.

But the fear seems to perpetuate when I try to fix it. The fear doesn’t need fixing though. It needs to be seen and felt. It needs to be loved.

Fear is not the enemy. Fear is but a fantasy of the mind. Me. Me. Me. Stories. Lies.

Don’t get me wrong, I still feel the fear. My heart beats faster, my voice shakes, my body trembles. But it, the fear, exists on a plane totally separate from me. It begs me to join it. I think the fear is afraid of dying and tries to make me afraid too.

It doesn’t want to be alone in the dark so it cries for me to come with it. If I go, the fear and pain get to live on. And I’m the carrier.

I cannot fight the fear though.

I can’t remember where I read this but you don’t walk into a room and find the dark switch to turn off the darkness. You escape the darkness of the room by turning on the light.

The same is true for fear. It’s a type of darkness. And so, to escape the darkness I must accept it and love it. I must surrender to it and shine light on it. And in doing so, this miraculous thing happens – the light of love truly does overpower the darkness.

It’s practice. And every time I return to myself through meditation, I continue to return to love and trust and surrender.

And one day, through grace alone, I will experience true salvation.