Returning to Me

Drying my hair. I flip my head back and I see my eye in the mirror peeking out from behind a strand of hair that drapes over it.

I saw my eye but I also saw into it.

Every so often I catch a glimpse, not of myself, but into myself. I see an image, even if for the briefest moment, that I recognize, that feels real, that doesn’t want to make me run screaming from reflective surfaces in disgust and despair.

I know she’s there. And she’s coming.

I wait with eager anticipation for the day that I return to me entirely and can feel the wholeness, the lightness, the natural feeling of occupying space, of being connected.

The day is coming when I will meet the me that I truly know myself to be.

 

 

Ashtanga Yoga ki Jai! with David Garrigues “Yoga is 99 percent practice, one percent theory.”

Source: Ashtanga Yoga ki Jai! with David Garrigues | Sri K Pattabhi Jois said, “Yoga is 99 percent practice, one percent theory.” This blog is a resource to explore the one percent theory and to inspire you on the mat.

An interesting read – pain as an indicator of enjoyment, or lack thereof. And I question then, how “real” is my pain in the physical realm? Does it exist at all, or only in my mind? Is it really all just in my head? Oh boy!!!!!!!

I am in physical pain every day of my life…am I reaching too far, too fast? Perhaps it (the pain) is forcing a slow-down so that I learn what I need to before I move on.

I’m the only one standing in the way of my progression.

Humbling.

Hand Holding At Its Best

I have a memory from the past. I think of it and I am filled with warmth and joy and exhilaration.

It was a time when I went for a walk in the park with a man whom I cared for very much. He cared for me as well.

He had a bounce in his step and was excited to see me. The same rang true for me too!

We walked and talked, endless collaboration and conversation. He, without thought, took my hand and held it as we walked. Not out of obligation or any sense of ownership but out of sheer enjoyment and pleasure to be with me.

I feel the joy in this still. I think not of the absence of the experience but the feelings that still exist because of it.

True joy remains in the feelings of the memories, not the thoughts of them.

Oh No You Didn’t!

Um, yeah I did!

See the picture on this post? Those are the hands of a 40 year old woman mechanic!

Okay, so it’s a picture of my hand. And I’m not a mechanic. But, I just changed one of the headlight bulb’s in my car. ON MY OWN!

In six months I’m amazed at what I’ve done on my own.

  • I separated from my husband of 20 years
  • I made the decision to take charge of the direction of my life instead of letting someone else/others/societal expectations decide it for me
  • I moved out on my own – for the first time EVER in all of my 40 years
  • I signed up for a hydro account
  • I arranged rental insurance for my new place
  • I negotiated cable terms for a new cable contract
  • I bought furniture
  • I took my car in to get serviced and fixed
  • I bought winter tires for my car to ensure my own safety
  • I went to a conference by myself
  • I sought legal advice for myself
  • I went tree-top trekking and zip lining
  • I renewed my passport
  • I changed a light bulb in my car

And those are only some of the tangible things I’ve done.

Some of the intangibles include:

  • Taking ownership of my life
  • Growing in understanding of myself and my place in this world
  • Seeking out the things that make me happy and learning to follow my spirit within/listening to my divine inspiration
  • Finding value and worth and love from within

I cannot ever underestimate the power I hold to direct my own life. My thoughts are the only barrier to evolution and transcendence of self.

The question was not, “WHY CAN’T I change the light bulb in my car?” The question was, “HOW can I change the light bulb in my car?”

Question not the ability to do. Instead, look only at how it can be done!

Trying Too Hard

I’ve been trying to escape the ego through self-denial.

A lesson learned the hard way; it can’t be done.

Self-denial led to failure which led to self-condemnation, self-judgement, self-criticism, self-hate.

It was the ego’s elusive plan to keep itself alive through righteous determination and exhaustive perseverance.

But I am only human. The ego will always reside within me.

And here my judgmental ways re-surface. I’ve judged the ego, labelled it the villain and I the victim.

But the ego is neither good nor bad.

It is, just as I am.

Log in my Eye

My husband called me today. He never calls me. He didn’t have anything to talk about, he just wanted to say hi.

I asked him how he’s doing. He thinks he’s getting worse.

I asked him what he’s going to do about it. He doesn’t know.

So this is where I want to take this blog post to the topics of co-dependency and “tough love” for addicts; I’ve got a lot to say right now. But for some reason I’m stopped and Matthew 7:3 comes to mind:

Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?

If I continue to write about him and the atrocities of alcoholism, I get to continue playing the blame game and pretending I’m either the victor or the victim, whatever suits my needs.

Ego wins again!

Originally, I wanted to write about how easy it would be to feed his need for love and support because I know very well how to do that, but how necessary it is to stay detached in order to not inadvertently feed the addiction.

It all seemed well-meaning and innocent, it really did. But this voice, this ominous power pointing inward, I can’t not take notice.

What is it in me that is causing this? I’m not entirely sure even still.

The more I look at my original want to theorize and observe and make note of him and the addiction, the more it seems to boil down to judgement. In one way or another all I’m doing is passing judgement.

I think about the Law of Cause and Effect. Every thought, which is the level of cause, has a respective effect which, in turn, becomes the cause of new action which then produces a new effect.

I talk about him, I judge him. In turn I make myself a victim of his actions. This creates fear and new judgments which in turn cause new fears and new judgments, and on and on it goes.

It’s a never ending spiral cascading into all of humanity – unless the level of thought changes.

Who am I in spite of his drinking? Still me. Not much changes.

I can still love. I can forgive. I am sorry for perpetuating the judgement.