My husband called me today. He never calls me. He didn’t have anything to talk about, he just wanted to say hi.
I asked him how he’s doing. He thinks he’s getting worse.
I asked him what he’s going to do about it. He doesn’t know.
So this is where I want to take this blog post to the topics of co-dependency and “tough love” for addicts; I’ve got a lot to say right now. But for some reason I’m stopped and Matthew 7:3 comes to mind:
Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?
If I continue to write about him and the atrocities of alcoholism, I get to continue playing the blame game and pretending I’m either the victor or the victim, whatever suits my needs.
Ego wins again!
Originally, I wanted to write about how easy it would be to feed his need for love and support because I know very well how to do that, but how necessary it is to stay detached in order to not inadvertently feed the addiction.
It all seemed well-meaning and innocent, it really did. But this voice, this ominous power pointing inward, I can’t not take notice.
What is it in me that is causing this? I’m not entirely sure even still.
The more I look at my original want to theorize and observe and make note of him and the addiction, the more it seems to boil down to judgement. In one way or another all I’m doing is passing judgement.
I think about the Law of Cause and Effect. Every thought, which is the level of cause, has a respective effect which, in turn, becomes the cause of new action which then produces a new effect.
I talk about him, I judge him. In turn I make myself a victim of his actions. This creates fear and new judgments which in turn cause new fears and new judgments, and on and on it goes.
It’s a never ending spiral cascading into all of humanity – unless the level of thought changes.
Who am I in spite of his drinking? Still me. Not much changes.
I can still love. I can forgive. I am sorry for perpetuating the judgement.