Radioactive and Toxic

Every bone, every cell, every inch of my body is screaming bloody murder right now. I ache. I hurt. I think I smell. I’m seriously toxic!

“What the fuck are you doing to me?” “Why? Why are you doing this?” “Don’t you think you’ve taken this too far?” “Get real lady! Who’re you kidding? You can’t change yourself or anyone else!”

Screw you! That’s what I say to the conditioned thoughts and beliefs that are making every last ditch effort to hang on. I don’t believe them.

But, in the midst of a healing crisis, if that’s what I’m even in, the old paradigms are fucking LOUD!

Apart from all the other stuff that’s been going on in my life, the last few weeks have seen a dramatic shift in my diet and my Ashtanga Yoga practice.

I had an intense encounter with the Great Sage Marichi the other day. A few hours later, I was wickedly ill. A day and a half later I’m still feeling the ravaging effects and am wondering if they’re going to go away or if I’m just screwing up my body and my mind.

As much as I’m inclined to think that this is wrong, I just know there’s going to be deliverance on the other side. That’s why I keep going.

I’ve never felt anything like this and I can barely type or write logically right now. But I just know that if I, if we, if the world is ever going to encounter change we will all have to go through this – and then some. I’m probably only licking the surface of change. But I know that I don’t want to come this far and back off now. A breakthrough is coming. If I stop now because the ‘normal’ world tells me to, I’m allowing the old paradigms to rule.

Every possibility is absolutely possible! This change is possible! I know it! I can feel it!

But will I survive it?

Lost

I got lost for a while. Real lost!

I don’t even know how it happened and didn’t realize quite how lost I was until I was alone again.

These past few months have seen some crazy shit come and go. I went from being an almost-40, married female to being an almost-40, separated female who, for the first time ever in her life, is doing absolutely everything on her own. But then I made a new friend and I allowed myself to get lost in that friendship. And I probably would have let it keep going but I got dropped. I still don’t understand it completely but here I am alone again, without friend whom I thought was more of a friend than apparently was, and trying to figure out who the hell I am, why I’m doing the things I’m doing, and how I’m going to keep moving forward.

This friendship I speak of has had a profound impact on my life but, in hindsight, my fertile mind took ideas that I loved and that resonated deeply with me, and turned them all into rules, rules that I believed only someone else knew how to act in accordance with. Every decision I was about to make I found myself checking in to make sure I was making the right choice. And most often I wasn’t. I started to become the second-guessing ninny that lies deep within me, petrified of being wrong, fearful that every wrong choice I make will leave me alone.

Being dropped as a friend, quite abruptly, was really painful for me, but looking back, it’s only made me stronger.

There isn’t one other person on this planet who can make my choices for me. I really have to sink into singularity and know that deep within I have an innate ability to choose the right things for me.

And what is most clear to me now is that there are no right ways or wrong ways, only different ways. I can search for someone to tell me how to do something only to turn around and find someone else who will tell me to do it the completely opposite way. Who’s right? Well, I guess we all are so long as we are choosing with our heart and doing what feels right. But beyond that, I also have to stand behind what I choose and I know I can confidently do that when there isn’t guilt, questioning, or condemnation.

Equally important to me is understanding that the choices I make aren’t concrete. If I make a choice and then learn something more about the choice I’m making and decide I should be doing something differently, well I can damn well change my mind. I just need to be aware and present in the faculty of my own mind when I decide. I need to ask myself why I’m making a choice and why it feels right to me. I need to strip away all the external factors and voices surrounding the choice I make and if, while alone, I can still, with all my heart, know that that is the choice I want and need to make, then I will.

I cannot make sense of so much that is taking shape right now. My life feels very messy and haphazard right now. I’m up and down. I’m good and bad. I’m vibrant and energetic and then I’m exhausted and done in. But overall, I have a very concrete image of who I am and where I want to be and as long as the image is there then that is what I see and rely on when I choose the direction of every aspect of my life. Is this action in alignment with who I am? If so, then I can accept that direction. If not, then I can just as easily reject that direction and move on.

I was lost. I’m still lost. But with each day, and with repetition, practice and fierce tenacity, I become a little more me and little less lost.

When the Wind Dies

The wind was never the freedom you were seeking.
It swept and curled around your stagnant body.
It felt alive,
like it would lift you away into its vast lightness.

And then it died,
but you kept looking.
The air was dead,
you began to die.

The searching continued.
The suffering surmounted.
You cried and longed,
for the air to breath life into you once again.

"But don't you see?", she whispered.
A kiss of wind licked your ear.
All senses attuned,
ready to listen.

The wind is not the freedom,
it's a gift.
The freedom lies,
in the silence after the wind blows by.

The wind entices and excites,
but she cannot be contained.
Try to capture her,
and you will be lost in her endless waves.

Lost to seeking.
Lost to searching.
Lost to future,
beckoning for past.

The wind, she is transient.
A gift that ebbs and flows.
But try to bottle her,
and you will always chase the suffering.

To chase the wind is futile.
She's quick and whirls haphazard.
Accept the peace and calm in silence,
And you will surely feel the wind blowing once again.