I was standing at the sink last night washing up some dishes and I was doing the usual shrugging and neck rolling to release the stress and tension in my back. I’ve had the pain for a long time and have simply attributed it to having to work at a desk all day.
But something hit me. When the pain arises – or should I say is noticed – I’m always looking back. Yes, that’s where the pain is physically but I began to wonder if perhaps I was holding on to more back there. Yes, I think so.
Every single thought of mine is rooted in the past – even the immediate moments that have just happened. Those have passed too yet those are things I still find myself thinking about.
In a brief, split second moment I brought my vision forward from back to front. Pain gone. I tell you though – it was for the briefest of moments – but there was real Truth that existed in that moment.
Tonight on my walk I felt teary. I felt sad – I miss my dog. I felt sad – my husband has given up on a 20 year relationship. I felt sad – life as I have almost always ever known it is, essentially, over.
As I sat on a park bench at the end of my walk and let my naked toes dance in the green grass, I felt the sadness crawl up my back. And there began the pain again. I tried to bring myself to the front of my life again but I struggled.
In focusing on the now, I am essentially letting go of the past. But that means saying goodbye to my husband. I cry now as I type. I’m so painfully human. It hurts.
I realize I must unpack and leave the past behind. But this is going to take some time.