They’re incessant. And they’re also indecisive. They’ll have you doing circles forever.
While a circle is a beautiful shape, I won’t argue that, following one will never take me outside of itself. It’s like a trap. And the longer I follow the circle, the deeper the groove. If I follow the circular path long enough the groove becomes so deep that it’s nearly impossible to steer myself onto another track. And while I can change direction on that circle, the destination will always be the same. Actually, there is no destination – the circle is an infinite cycle of repetition.
For many years, and in so many areas of my life, I would make a decision to do something. I would charge ahead but then something would scare me and I’d tell myself that it was stupid; I was stupid for wanting to do this or that.
Some of the things I would tell myself that would stop me dead in my tracks and make me do an about-face:
- You’re being ridiculous.
- You should just be grateful for what you have.
- Why are you trying to complicate things?
- How on earth are you ever going to afford that?
- Don’t be so selfish.
- Think about your husband – he doesn’t want you to do that. He thinks it’s unrealistic, so it must be.
- You’re a fool.
- You’ve tried before and it didn’t work, so what makes you think you can do this now?
- Just be happy with what you have.
- Stop wanting so much – it’s very self-centered to want to do this.
- What about your family?
- If this was meant to be it wouldn’t be so much of a fight.
- Just let it go.
- Stop trying to complicate things.
- Why can’t you just be content?
- Stop being so stupid.
- You’re being irrational.
- It’s impossible.
- It’s not meant to be.
I am no longer listening to these voices. These voices make me question my inner sense of need. My heart is so powerful – I have this innate ability for feeling and sense and knowing. I’d just been so out of tune with it for so long.
I’ve now set my radio frequency to the sound of my heart. It knows, in a more profound and powerful way, what it is that I need.
And, here I am now.
I’m one year symptom-free from a 20-year-long eating disorder. I knew I needed to get well and get help doing it. I fought like hell. I stopped at nothing and forged through those cruel inner voices and the criticism and doubt of others.
I’m also sitting in a hotel room, living in solitude and silence, having separated from a 20 year relationship. I’m not sure where it will go from here but I’m letting my heart guide me.
I feel the most alive than I ever have. The scenery is different. I’ve left the circle. I’m forging a new path, a straight path. I will have to forge new sections of my path each day in order to keep going forward. That’s the beauty of it though. It’s a trail of discovery every step of the way. And there is no destination. There can be a pause, a momentary stop to take a break, but when the heart leads me I can pick up and carry on.
That’s the beauty of the infinite line.